


Redamancy

by CadomirBane



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Badass Finn, Force-Sensitive Finn, Gay Sex, Healing Sex, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Mpreg, Neither of them are virgins, Pregnant Kylo Ren, Prostitute Kylo Ren, Prostitution, Protective Finn, Psychological Trauma, Trans Kylo Ren, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:36:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9302444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CadomirBane/pseuds/CadomirBane
Summary: When Kylo has an encounter with FN-2187, he had no idea it would lead to a secret love affair and culminate in an accidental pregnancy. How Kylo and soon-to-be-renamed-Finn handle this will change their lives forever and lead to healing for both of them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write a Kylo/Finn fic since forever since I love them as a pairing so much. This idea culminated when I wondered how trans Kylo would deal with an unexpected pregnancy and how that would shape his relationship with Finn.
> 
> With lots of helpful tips for this fic by TheAntleredPolarBear <3

**PROLOGUE**

.

..

...

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“I can…I think.”

“Just stay calm.You can do this.You’re gonna be fine.”

“I _am_ calm.”

“I was talking to myself.”Finn’s heart pounded in his chest as he fiddled some more with the ship’s controls.The command shuttle hovered in wait in front of the shield covering Starkiller base.Looking back through the view the base almost seemed smaller.Inside, it had always felt gigantic, trapping them both.The signal from the control room remained static.“Come on, come on…hurry up.”Finn wiped his brow, fingers tapping on his helmet.

Kylo watched him almost wishing he could feel as scared as Finn right now.The fear always hit him at the wrong times.Only when Snoke would enter his mind again and start saying those things, telling him to do what he least wanted to do…that was when he froze with terror.

“What if they already found out what we did?What if we’re going to be turned in?”Finn turned to him, eyes wide.

But Kylo Ren shook his head.He did not realize his hands were clenched into tight fists in his lap.Until he felt blood forming in his palms from where his nails had torn skin.He bit his bottom lip and glanced at his companion.

“It’s too quiet for that.The teeth aren’t making a fuss yet.No nebula that I can see yet.”

“So basically that means Snoke hasn’t figured it out yet?”

“That’s another way to put it.”Kylo had a hard time remembering how to describe his state of mind to others who…did not know what it was like.But Finn had caught on much faster than anyone else Kylo had gotten close to in the First Order.More than any of the Knights of Ren, even.Maybe it was part of the reason Kylo had clung to him so much recently.They both had that secret code of speaking that no one else could connect to, a way of looking at the world around them that nobody was going to tamper with.

“ _Upsilon Two-Forty-Seven_ , you are cleared.Shield will be lifted shortly,” the signal finally came through.

“Copy that.”Finn cut the signal, then turned to Kylo and smiled.“We did it.We did it!We’re free!”

“Don’t celebrate too soon.”Kylo’s hands moved to his stomach and he took a sharp breath.Still didn’t feel anything.Not yet, anyway…

Everything was about to change forever.

* * *

_Two months earlier_

.

..

...

_Your parents will never accept you as a real man._

At first Kylo had not wanted to believe it.Didn’t want those words to follow him through every step of his childhood.The day he told Leia Organa and Han Solo that he wanted to be called ‘Ben’ and use male pronouns from now on, he received mixed reactions.Leia held him, as if she had always known the truth, and helped him exchange the few dresses he didn’t want anymore—except for the rest that, at the time, Kylo felt okay with wearing.To him the fact that he knew who he was, rather than the fact that he happened to wear makeup and dresses, mattered the most.But Han Solo had turned away and refused to deal with it.Snoke didn’t even have to whisper a cutting _“I told you”_ later that day.

By the time he was sent away to be trained with his uncle, Luke, it seemed too late.

_I’m the only one who sees you for who you truly are._

_Just do what I tell you and you’ll be everything you ever wanted to be._

More and more, his ways of presenting himself became restricted.He received vocal training but had to refrain from certain words, phrases, and nonverbal expressions.His wardrobe was condensed and he had to cover everything from the neck down, not to mention the mask.Hide every part of the body he hated.Just when it seemed he had it down perfectly there were a bunch of new rules to follow.He didn’t even know what he wanted anymore, much less remembered how it used to be.

Then the voices in his head grew louder.And not just louder, but drowned out his own until he could not tell them from the reality around him.Could not decipher if people really were playing tricks on him, or if the voices just wanted him to believe it.

At that point, did it even matter anymore?The voices were all he had. _Snoke_ was all he had.Snoke was his only choice.Better to be there than alone.

So he listened.And he followed every rule.Let Snoke convince him that only if he spoke a particular way, dressed a particular way, and committed every order to oath, only then would people see him for who he truly was.His body was treated like something he had to be ashamed of, even long after the hormones and surgery treatment.Because it would never be the _exact_ way it could be, and therefore, how could Kylo dare love his own body?He could only earn respect if he did it perfectly, not the way he truly wanted—as if the two were not the same.The name Ben was long gone by then…a name he tried and failed to be known by.He was Kylo Ren now.

And that was why these 48-hour leaves were such a high for him.

For two days out of every month, Kylo went against everything that he had been taught for decades.

For two days, he put on all the makeup and jewelry he wanted and headed for the nearest urban planet.From there he always found the red light district without much trouble.And he spent the night with no boundaries.

Technically he went on leave to personally supervise the First Order soldiers, more to be around and make sure they didn’t get any ideas or mutter something pro-Republic or worse, pro-Resistance.But his presence alone erected enough terror in them so that they were afraid to even _think_ anything like that.Which meant Kylo had pretty much all that free time to himself.As long as no one from the First Order saw him…

Tonight was supposed to be like any other night.Then tomorrow would be the same.And afterward he would scrub the eyeshadow from his cheeks and the semen from his hair until his skin was raw, and everything would be back the way Snoke thought it was.

_You’re pathetic, you know that?_

Kylo paused for a moment.

That’s not the sort of thought one enjoys having when he is in the middle of deep-throating a six-foot male Twi’lek.

He rolled his eyes a little and felt hot tears roll down his cheeks.They formed thin black lines as his makeup was messed up.At this point Kylo could do it by cue.People seemed to really get off to seeing him cry as he gargled their genitals.

The Twi’lek grabbed the back of his head and forced Kylo to take the rest of his cock.The dark warrior complied and worked his tongue on the underside until he began to feel Twi’lek cum run down his throat.Not his first time tasting it.He still wasn’t sure which species he had a stronger preference for taste-wise, since there were so many sentients he had sucked off.Some he could have done without, if he were honest with himself.

When the Twi’lek finished cumming he dropped the few credits on the filthy ground.He barely stuck around long enough to tuck himself back in his pants before he was gone.Kylo watched him go as he wiped his mouth.His dress exposed part of his chest scars from surgery, but he didn’t care anymore.Daresay, he was proud of those scars.Kylo scrambled up the credits he just earned and put them away for later.Only a couple minutes passed before someone else approached him, this time paying in advance.

His stamina long since pushed and trained, Kylo was far from exhaustion even after doing this for a whole hour.The credits would buy next month’s clothes and makeup for leave, and he would get rid of any leftover.No need for it.

No one stopped by after several minutes.So he closed his eyes and leaned against the open doorway to rest for a bit.He listened to the sound of the club a floor below him.Several First Order soldiers down there, he imagined.He had probably sucked off a few of them and they had no idea it was him.Being around his men all the time, Kylo had begun to sense them individually.See what they were going to do or say, even feel, before it happened.

But, come to think of it, one of them always seemed to surprise Kylo.Which one was that again…?

Someone nudged his shoulder roughly.Damn, he had zoned out.

“Stuff your underwear in your mouth and I’ll fuck you from behind,” a deep Chiss voice said.

Kylo rolled his eyes.One of his least favorite kinks.But he had done much worse.He got up and pulled up his skirt, parting his legs to show the Chiss the briefs he was wearing.Normally he wore a packer but not tonight.

“Anything you say.”Kylo looked up at him and bit his lip.This man was quite attractive…large shoulders and biceps and a gaze that would make anyone with average emotional intelligence melt faster than Kylo could draw his lightsaber.Kylo dropped his briefs and shoved them in his mouth until he was almost gagging on them.

As his body was pressed against the scummy decaying wall, a disappointingly tiny cock thrusting in and out of his ass, Kylo started to become bored.If he could watch the Chiss while they did this maybe it would be more interesting.The man wasn’t even squeezing Kylo’s throat that hard either.Kylo rolled his eyes and let out a fake moan against his briefs, hoping that would finish off the Chiss faster.Just before something in his mind stung, like a splash of cold water.

_Someone is watching us._

His eyes rolled a little to the stairway on his left.Their gazes met for a moment, as his body kept being rubbed up against the wall by the Chiss.Then, realizing how vulnerable he looked right now, Kylo looked away.He knew that young man.

FN-2187. _That_ was him.The one who took Kylo by surprise sometimes.

They had had moments now and then during training.FN-2187 would test him, along with the others, in physical combat and blaster shots to see how much Kylo would take.He was the one who was most difficult to predict.Not to say Kylo ever lost to him, of course.

Finally the Chiss left.Kylo quickly put his underwear back on and spat on the floor.When he glanced to his left again, sure enough, FN-2187 was approaching him.

_Well, this is going to be awkward…_ Kylo thought.

“What…um…what are you doing here?”FN-2187 looked him up and down, eyes big and full of questions that wouldn’t be answered.

Kylo’s cover had been blown.How did FN-2187 manage to recognize him?No one else had before.Not even up close.

“Don’t ask about what’s not your business, FN-2187,” Kylo muttered, wiping his mouth.

“Yes.I’m sorry, sir.I didn’t mean to pry.”FN-2187 was wearing civilian clothing and it certainly brought out his build.In ways Kylo hadn’t been able to get a good look at during training because he had other things to focus on then.But now, he was getting a full gaze at FN-2187’s strong muscles, well trimmed hair, a couple scars from training that showed he wasn’t to be messed with.His casual tunic hung from him loosely and his pants were tight and showed off his toned legs.

_Wow…_

“Sir, you’re staring.”

Kylo rolled his eyes.He noticed F-2187 was holding onto a pack of cigs and gestured for one.FN-2187 was quick to obey and offered a cig and his lighter.Only when he had lit it and taken a long drag from the cig did Kylo speak up.

“Can you blame me for staring?”

FN-2187 frowned.

“I’m not exactly sure how to answer that.”

“As if I haven’t noticed the way you’ve stared at me too during training sessions.I’m not blind, you know.”

“Oh, so your helmet doesn’t—never mind.But yes, I have noticed…sir.”FN-2187 looked nervous.Even a little scared.

Kylo didn’t mind that.All his men should be afraid of him.

“Don’t call me sir while we’re on leave.Might give away who I am.”

“Sure.”FN-2187 leaned a little closer, thumbs in his pockets.“May I have my lighter back?”

Kylo didn’t realize he had been playing with the flame, seeing how close his thumb could get to it before it began to sting, and then how long he could hold it.He was already forming a blister.Without a word he tossed it back to FN-2187 who lit his own cig.

“So how much is it?”

“How much is what?” Kylo snapped.

“The…services you’re offering.”

“Oh.Depends on which service.”Kylo was focusing on his cig.It tasted surprisingly sweet.Not his preferred flavor, but he didn’t mind it.You could tell a lot about the man by which cigs he smoked.

He could also tell that FN-2187 really wanted to ask why the hell the dark warrior, Kylo Ren himself, would willingly spend the few hours of free time he had doing this, of all things.Sometimes Kylo even asked that himself.And the only answer he could come up with was, does it even matter why?He liked it and it hurt and it made him dirty and wanted.

“You’re staring again,” Kylo said without having to look at him.

“I’m sorry.I just have never seen you like this before.All dolled up, I mean.”

Normally Kylo would have spat at him or told him to piss off.But maybe it took being fucked in the ass a few times to loosen him up a little, and not just in the physical sense.He glanced at FN-2187, looking him up and down again, really liking what he saw.Both their cigs hung loosely from their lips as they studied each other.

“Like what you see, FN-2187?” Kylo drawled.

“All I can say is that it’s…a good look on you.”FN-2187 bit his lip before he could say ‘sir.’

“You should leave, you’re distracting my customers.”Kylo parted his legs a little to give the message that he was still in business.

FN-2187 quickly finished his cigarette and stepped back silently.Still staring a little as he made his way back down the hall.Kylo felt a strange energy in the air, that they were both asking the same question but didn’t dare show it.

_All I know is if FN-2187 wanted to fuck me I wouldn’t hesitate to say Yes,_ Kylo finally decided.And to him, that was all there was to it.

For the moment, anyway.

“By the way,” he added before FN-2187 disappeared, “keep in mind that if you tell anyone what you saw tonight, you can easily be replaced.”

“Understood perfectly, sir.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ten hours of leave time left.

Ten hours until it was back to the restrictions.All the barriers from being who he wanted to be.

It was going to hurt.But the pain never bothered Kylo so much.It was more that he could not control his own pain anymore.

Kylo ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the grease and residue of all his previous customers.His eyes rolled back up at the ceiling and he studied the cracks in it.If he focused he could hear the bed in the hotel room next door smacking the wall and the obviously fake moans of some poor girl.

His newest client, a male Togrutan with dozens of piercings that formed swirls up both montrals, smacked the inside of Kylo’s thigh.He obeyed and rolled over on his stomach.Thank the Force this client had extra cigarettes lying around.Kylo took a long drag as he arched his back and wiggled his sore ass up at the Togrutan.

His dress lay on the floor, reeking.He wanted a new one.Maybe a scarlet one that showed off his legs and back.

“Do you always smoke while someone is spilling all over your whore ass?”

“Does it matter?” Kylo muttered.He couldn’t even focus on his work as well tonight.Not after running into FN-2187.Wondering what he was up to on leave.If he knew how to get lucky without selling his own body out.If some fellow was fucking him right now.

“Whatever.I’m done.”The Togrutan got up, leaving milky streaks that trickled down between Kylo’s cheeks, emitting a small moan from him.

“Leave the bottle.”Kylo reached for the cheap fruit flavored vodka the Togrutan had brought with.It tasted well mixed with the cigarettes.“And tell the next client he can come in after he counts to ten five times.”

At some point during the night, Kylo had been prompted to shift gears in his work.Rather than giving out services in the hallway, he moved to his hotel room so anyone who wanted him would have more offered to them.He could feel his stamina starting to wear thin and it still wasn’t over.But nothing a drink and another pack couldn’t fix, he figured.

The best part of this was he could have a few luxuries.Things the First Order had never provided.A warm bed.Music in the background.Sweets and fancy beverages.Any true warrior is not allowed the slightest of comforts whatsoever.A spoiled prince, maybe, but Kylo was above that.

That was why he planned to vomit it all up in a few minutes.

He was not supposed to have this much good for him.At least some of it had to result in great pain.That was the way it was always supposed to work.

It was also why cigarettes were perfect.They offered some spoils, but slowly killed him all the while.The perfect combination of pleasure and self-destruction for someone such as him.

As Kylo waited, he took a couple swigs of vodka and curled up with the bottle on the bed.His mind wandered back to the soldier who saw him whoring himself.Suppose FN-2187 was more loyal to the First Order than Ren himself.Suppose he decided to tell Supreme Leader Snoke what he had found Ren doing instead of supervising his soldiers.Was it a possibility?Were his threats to FN-2187 all but idle?Kylo did not dare think of what Snoke would have in store for him if he found out…

The door opened.Kylo looked up and frowned.

“You again?”

FN-2187 stepped in the room.His eyes gave away that he had been drinking, and a sheen of perspiration made his skin almost glow.

“We didn’t finish our conversation,” he said.

“Then what do you have to say?”He rubbed his eyes, smearing his makeup even more.He looked like trash and he knew it.

“I had a feeling you were worried I’d tell the Supreme Leader what I saw.What I’m seeing right now.”

Kylo tensed.

_How did he know I was thinking that…?_

“And?”He sat up.

FN-2187 stepped a little closer into the light from the outside pulse signs.What had he been up to for the past several hours?Who had touched him?Who had he touched?

Why did Kylo even care?

_He’s just another stormtrooper.Nothing special about him.Leave it alone._

“I wanted you to hear it from me again.Your secret is safe with me.”FN-2187 took a deep breath and glanced at the dress in a heap on the floor.“It’s an escape from the First Order, isn't it?”

“What do you know?”Kylo rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling again.The lights were shaking just slightly.The couple on the floor above must be taking it up a notch.

“I know that having ways to escape…it keeps me going.”

“Are you making a confession to your commander?Because if you are, you’re at an advantage.I’ve had a lot to drink and I’m going to be sick before long.And I doubt I’ll remember this conversation.”

“It’s just that I understand why you’re doing this.And I won’t tell anyone.Swear it.”

Kylo’s neck cracked as he looked at him.Only then did it occur to him that FN-2187 was looking at him completely naked.Oops.

“Here…try the vodka.”He grabbed his dress and covered his crotch with it as he sat up.

FN-2187 nodded and took the bottle, then had a swig.He coughed a little.

“Strong stuff.”

“That’s kind of the point.So are you my next client or not?”

“ _What_?”FN-2187 backed up.“No, no.It’s not like that…”

“Because if you let me,” Kylo said, gesturing with his cigarette, “I would fuck you through the mattress, or you could fuck me.I can do either.It’s more what you want than what I…”A strong wave of nausea rushed up to the back of his throat.“Oh.”

FN-2187 must have known that look because he grabbed Kylo by the arm and pulled him to the nearby fresher.They reached it just in time for Kylo to hurl all over the floor.Tears ran down his cheeks, but the agony had been all he looked forward to.Kylo was more focused on keeping his private parts concealed than aiming properly.

“Oops,” he mumbled.

“Here, sir…” FN-2187 guided him to the toilet as Kylo hurled again.

“I said…don’t call me…sir,” Kylo said between gags.

“What should I call you then?”

“Call me Ren.”He grinned.“FN…218…7 is a mouthful, you know.”

“It’s my only name, si—Ren.”

“FN…Finn.There.That’s easier.”He clutched the edges of the toilet seat.

“You’re a mess, Ren…”He could see Finn making a face in the mirror’s reflection.

Kylo shook his head and began punching himself in the stomach.He wanted to vomit until nothing but bile came out.He wanted his stomach to ache from being forced to empty.Then he would drink some more so he would have more to throw up.

“I still have more clients…” he managed to utter.

“I’ll send them away.”

“No!”But Kylo couldn’t stop him.He had already left and headed to the door, a threatening tone making its away out of the room and down the halls of the hotel.Kylo lay on the tile floor and growled to himself, pressing his ankles against the cold wall of the tub.“Not how my night was supposed to go.Not at all.”

When Finn came back, he had a blanket.He put it over Kylo so he would have more privacy.

“Did you see?”Kylo pointed down to his crotch and wiggled his hips.

“Just a glance.”

“Yet another thing you have to keep secret.Supreme Leader Snoke is the only other one who knows.And he wants to keep it that way.”

“I understand.No worries there, either.”

“I’ll make it up to you, Finn.”Kylo reached up and grabbed at him.“What do you want from me?It’s on the house.Right here, right now.”

“Hmm.No offense, but seeing you puke all over the room didn’t put me in the mood.Another time, maybe?”

He nodded, leaning against the toilet, breaths coming in rasp, not knowing he looked even worse than he felt.

“Here, sir—I mean Ren—maybe you should get cleaned up and then get some sleep.”

“I never sleep.”He rubbed his fingertips down his cheeks.“I just close my eyes and wait for the monsters, all the monsters to come out.”

“Yeah, sure…will you let me help you?”

It struck Kylo as an odd question.Something that seemed like nonsense at first, and should sooner be laughed at than seriously considered.No one had ever asked him such a thing.But as he would come to realize, it would not be the last time.

Kylo didn’t stop him as Finn took a washcloth and cleaned the vomit, makeup, and saliva from Kylo’s face.He closed his eyes and hummed to himself, feeling oddly peaceful even though in the physical sense he felt like shit.When his face was cleaned Finn wrapped Kylo’s arm over his shoulders and pulled him up.

“Damn, you’re strong.”

“Well, all us stormtroopers have to be,” Finn said matter-of-factly.He dropped Kylo on the bed and he landed with a laugh, curling his toes.“I’ll be on my way.Hope you get some sleep.”

Kylo never noticed him leave, but he didn’t mind.It had been a long night and he liked to think all of it would leave his memory come morning.But the image of Finn kneeling in front of him, cleaning his face despite how there was no gain in it for him…it stayed in his dreams and would never leave.

* * *

The next morning, FN-2187 arrived at his post right on time, as always.  The events that occurred mere hours before still plagued his mind.  He would never forget seeing Kylo Ren himself looking like that, used and vulnerable and needy.

But he could put it behind him.He had secrets to keep, after all.It wasn’t the first time he had done it and he could do it all over again.

So when Captain Phasma approached the men and announced that FN-2187 had to report to headquarters, he stopped breathing.

_Ren is going to kill me, isn’t he?Frame me for something and have a firing squad take me down._ It was all he could do to stay calm as he followed Phasma.When she opened the door he saw Kylo, full suit and mask on making him appear as heartless as before.Only FN-2187 had seen the other side of him too.

_He’s definitely going to kill me,_ he thought with dread.

“Captain Phasma, leave us,” Kylo said, voice distorted through the mask.The captain obeyed without a word.Kylo waited until the door had closed behind her, then, “Take off your helmet.”

_This is it.This is how my life ends.All because I had to be the unlucky guy who found out Kylo Ren likes it up the ass._

But he did as he was told.Unable to look up at him, FN-2187’s eyes were cast to the floor as he wondered how it would feel to take that dreaded red lightsaber through the chest.Would it hurt?

Kylo stared him down coldly for what felt like hours but was only a few seconds.

“Last night never happened,” he finally stated.

Finn nodded.

“I was compromised.It wasn’t me you were looking at,” he continued.

“So was I.”

“And it will never happen again.”

* * *

 

Finn nodded again and reached over for his helmet.But before he could put it on, Kylo raised his hand.Already he was reaching up, taking off his own helmet, daring to show this man his true face a third time.To show him the imperfections and expressions no one else saw.To use his real voice, let their eyes lock.It was a new way of being naked and not the good kind.

He shouldn’t have done it.He knew that before it happened.But something in him looked at the light in Finn’s eyes, remembered the way Finn ran his fingers through Kylo’s messy hair the other night, and it resurrected a small voice that wanted it all.He did not deserve it, and it felt too good to be true…but whatever it is, oh gods.It had to be his.

Kylo grabbed him by the chin.In that split second, Finn’s eyes widened in surprise, then in realization of what was about to happen, and his muscles relaxed.He leaned in and complied when Kylo pressed his lips against his.

The kiss wasn't how either had imagined it would be.It was better.

Kylo parted his lips slightly, wanting to taste him, know that Finn wanted this as much as he did.A small gasp left Finn’s throat, but the way he replied Kylo’s movements gave away that this was certainly not his first kiss.His tongue moved a little to graze Kylo’s bottom lip before Finn sucked on it lightly.It was Kylo’s turn to gasp.

He sensed the door would open in a matter of seconds.

With a shudder, Kylo pulled away and snatched up his mask.Following suit, Finn donned his stormtrooper helmet. When they looked at each other again, they were faceless.And yet they both almost knew exactly what the other man’s face looked like.

“Come back here tomorrow,” Kylo finished.

“For what?”

He bit his lip behind the mask.

“I’m inviting you to dinner, all right?So accept it.Our next leave isn’t for some time.”

“Why are you inviting me?”He could almost see Finn frowning with confusion.

“Because…you said you understand me.”

How else could he describe it?There were no other words.FN-2187, also known as Finn, had seen the part of Kylo he worked so hard to hide from everybody else.And it had not repulsed him.He had not seen Kylo as less of a man, or mocked him…just cleaned him up and put him back to bed.Whatever that was, Kylo wanted to reach out and grab it before the illusion faded away and he realized he really was the only one who knew what it was like to be this way.

And if it was an illusion after all, he had to pretend for as long as possible.


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner consisted of rations mixed with the few other foods Kylo would usually have, but only when dining with First Order generals or royalty.More for the sake of prestige and publicity than his personal enjoyment.Snoke liked to make sure his favorite put on a good show.

One of the dishes typically served when Ren hosted had been descended from an ancient Naboo tradition.It blended some of Naboo’s oceanic specialities, flavored with special herbs and spices grown in the Dee’ja Peak Gardens, and served with the best of wine.

Finn didn’t realize he was staring until Kylo spoke up.

“Is something wrong?”

“N-No.It’s just…I’ve never seen food like this before.Only in holograms.”

“It’s not for looking at.It’s for eating,” Kylo said matter-of-factly, not catching on.

“Do you always dine like this, si—Ren?”Finn found himself wanting to call Kylo ‘Sir’ even though it had been established he did not have to.Although, when he had been severely punished as a child for neglecting to do the same, it did become a hard habit to break.

“Once in a while.When are you going to sit down?”Kylo pulled up a chair.

“Um, right now.”Finn sat across from him, still staring at the food.It looked so delicious.Holograms had not done them justice.Finn’s idea of food had always been simply flavored cubes or rolls that contained all the nutrients they needed.No more, no less.In fact, eating more or less than the required amount had been punished as well.Finn learned that the hard way at age five when he smuggled extra rations to a friend sick in the medbay.

Now it was Kylo’s turn to stare.At him.What was he doing?Did this man have any sense of social etiquette or was that why he had to wear the mask all the time?

“It’s going to get cold,” he said abruptly.

Finn nodded and filled his plate with food, mouth watering.When he took a bite, he almost cried.

“Is something wrong?”Kylo frowned.“Too hot?Too cold?”

“No.It’s just…I used to try to imagine what food like this tastes like.”Finn let the taste melt in his mouth before he chewed and swallowed slowly, knowing better than to rush it.“It’s better than I ever imagined.”If only he could show his fellow troops food like this.He would never get away with it.But he could dream.

“The First Order does not prioritize luxury for its stormtroopers.”Kylo took a small bite as well.“Which I suppose isn’t all that great?”

Finn shrugged.What was he supposed to say to that?

“Even on leave we still have a lot of rules to follow.No outside relationships.No purchasing things like clothing or food that we don’t need.No alcohol consumption.”

“But you were drinking the other night.”

“I have a couple buddies who try to get away with it.So I had some before they did since I knew they wanted to get wasted.”

“Why?”Kylo cocked his head, hopelessly confused.

“Because that way if they got caught I could tell Captain Phasma I did it first and dragged them into it.They would get a lighter punishment than me,” Finn said softly.His fork wavered over the plate as he debated when he should take his second bite.How many bites did he have left?How long would the flavor linger before he could take another taste?Why was eating such wonderful food so stressful?

Meanwhile, Kylo leaned back in his seat, looking the stormtrooper up and down, searching for answer he would not find.At least not yet.They stopped talking for a solid couple minutes as they worked on their meals.Finn took his time, since he had no idea when he would get food like this again, while Kylo was distracted by the stormtrooper sitting across from him and only took bites when he remembered to.

“So you intentionally get yourself hurt so your friends hurt less.”

“Well, yes.”Now it was Finn’s turn to be confused.“Why wouldn’t I?They’re my friends.It’s what I do for them.”

Awkward silence filled the room for what felt like a very long time.Kylo chewed his food with great precision, washing it down with wine.Finn dared take a second bite and made sure he took his time.He was determined to memorize the taste so he could remember it later today.

“What?”

“Nothing.”Kylo took a gulp of wine.

“Do you have any friends, Ren?”

To which he smiled bitterly.Neither of them had to say anything.They both knew the answer to that question.

“Everyone needs a friend…” Finn added in a quiet tone, looking up at the man across from him with a growing smile.“You know?Someone you can trust and take care of?”

There was no reply and Finn had to take that as a good thing.He focused on his food instead.When their wine glasses were empty, Kylo stood up and refilled them.It took him a while but no matter how much he tried to savor his meal, in due time Finn had taken his last bite.In a small sense he envied Kylo for being able to eat like this all the time.

“Are you full already?”Kylo asked.“There’s still dessert.”

“What’s dessert?”

That made Kylo smile a little.

“Oh, you don’t know what dessert is?”

“No more than you know what a friend is,” Finn replied.

Kylo’s eyes scanned over Finn, taking note of the little details, the imperfections.The dimple in his cheek when he smiled, the faint scars on the back of his hands that could only be from strict discipline in his childhood, the neatly precision of his haircut.Finn didn’t feel bothered knowing that he was being checked out.In fact he liked it.

“I keep forgetting how much you haven’t been shown, being a stormtrooper.”He scratched the back of his head.“There’s a lot you need to see.”

_Actually, the other day I saw quite a bit,_ Finn thought and tried not to blush thinking of how he had accidentally stumbled on a half-naked Kylo being fucked against a wall and looking bored to death all the while.That was an image that would never leave his head.Not that that was a bad thing…he had really liked what he saw that night.It was a whole other side to this man he didn’t even know existed.

When Kylo spoke again, he leaned over the table as their eyes met.His voice rang low and he drew out each word carefully, making Finn wonder if it was the same tone Kylo used on his clients.

“Dessert is very sweet.Paradise in your mouth.”He licked his chapped lips.“And it might give you a sugar rush, if you’re interested in that sort of thing.”

“Will it be as much of a rush as our kiss the other day?” Finn offered.

“You’ll just have to wait and see.”Kylo got up and walked around the table to him.“I’ll even dish it up for you.”

Their eyes locked again and Finn slowly stood up as well.Their hands brushed on the table, and Finn could feel his face burn with embarrassment.Now Kylo would be able to tell he was breaking out in a nervous sweat. That is, if he hadn't noticed already.

“If I may ask something…do you dress like you do on leave because you’re not allowed to here?”

Kylo hesitated but couldn’t deny what Finn understood already.He moved a little closer, scanning Finn’s nonverbal movements.

“I suppose I do it the same reason you tried to imagine what good food tastes like.It’s…”

“Freedom?” Finn finished.

“Yes.Freedom.Not too much that you don’t know what to do with.And not so little that you can’t touch it.Just a taste of the other side without having to jump over the wall.”

_Okay, now he’s talking in rhymes…_

“That makes perfect sense.Basically what we’re doing right now.”Finn closed his eyes as he noticed Kylo moving closer to kiss him.Their lips met with a slight collision in a hope of reenacting the last one and its unexpected wildness.They were both much more hesitant the second time.More self aware of what their limbs were doing and how the air moved in the room.Their front teeth met and Finn had to readjust fast, trying to anticipate Kylo’s moves first.

“By the way, I apologize that you had to see me when I was very drunk.I still plan on making it up to you sometime.”

“Maybe you could show me how good your mouth is.I could be your dessert, paradise in your mouth?”Finn inwardly cringed as soon as he finished his attempt at flirting.He cocked his head and smiled anyway, biting his bottom lip. _Would it have been so hard to just say ‘give me a blowjob’?Would it?_

But to his surprise, Kylo was already dropping to his knees in front of him.

“Wait, right now?”Finn stepped back.

“Why not right now?

“You just jump right into this sort of thing without setting the mood, huh?”At least when Finn had had those quiet, desperate affairs with comrades, both of them driven by aching loneliness and raging hormones, they found the right time and place to be with each other.Usually after dark when one would sneak in the other’s cot and they would keep quiet as they explored each other’s bodies all night long.Finn had not had something like that in years.

“Why does there have to be a mood?”

“Oh, for…”Finn pulled him up.“I’m not one of your clients, you know.And I was half joking about it anyway.You don’t owe me.”

“Oh.Sorry.I didn’t catch on.”

“I mean, if anyone found out I was here with you…”Finn didn’t want to think about the consequences he was up against just by having dinner here.He was treading dangerous waters.

“Right.I understand.I won’t let anyone find out.”

Finn smiled.Kylo had never struck him as a trustworthy person before.But seeing him vulnerable, and now in a whole new way…something awakened in Finn.He didn’t know what it was.But he liked it.

Maybe it was the same thing they mentioned before.Freedom.A few moments where both of them, commander and stormtrooper, could take off the masks and reveal the places where they were afraid and empty, and they did not have to be alone.Show their faces to each other without fear of being turned away.Here there were, dangerous as it was, but it tasted of a bit of freedom.

And it seemed that under his mask, Finn let himself get hurt so others wouldn’t have to.While under his own, Kylo hurt himself before others had the chance.

“But I could go for another kiss?” Finn asked.

They did, slow and hesitant again.But not as awkward.Finn had a better idea of how to respond to Kylo this time, and he even felt Kylo’s gloved hands fold over his.Kylo took a deep breath and nibbled on Finn’s lip, making the latter man moan a little.When he pulled away, Kylo’s ears were red.

“Maybe I should get going.”Finn spoke in a whisper.

“Yes, you should, so you don’t get caught.Thank you.For coming to dinner.”Kylo stepped back, hands clasped in front of him.Like he didn’t know what to do anymore.

“Okay.Goodnight…Ren.”Before he could be tempted to stay longer and see what happened, Finn left and returned to his post.

That night, as he slept, Finn dreamed of the man behind the black mask.He saw Kylo lying on the hotel bed with his dirtied face and used body, smiling up at him.Felt Kylo’s bare skin against his.Saw his thick locks of black hair bobbing up and down between Finn’s legs, heard the moans spilling out of his own mouth as he gasped for air…

He awoke in a cold sweat and quickly put a pillow over his waist, breathless.Just a dream.

_What the hell am I doing?_ he wondered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a big thank you to TheAntleredPolarBear for beta reading for me! <3

Against the voice inside him crying out at his own foolishness, Finn saw him again.

The next time they met was two days later.  On the night Finn’s platoon was sent out to patrol around a small moon before they established a secondary station there.  Should no hostility be detected, the station would serve as a checkpoint for delivering essential supplies to Starkiller Base.

Somehow, during the marches and orders and the shit ton of regulations to go through, Kylo found time to pull aside Finn, his favorite stormtrooper, and they shared a few hidden moments together in the cockpit of a TIE fighter parked near the landing platform.  Like last time, they didn’t make it past a few kisses.  Kylo seemed to get shy whenever he was with someone he actually knew, as opposed to a stranger.  Finn missed his brief meal break for those moments, but considered it worth talking again to the man who knew what it was like to want something more than what they were given.

Finn remembered the other stormtroopers he had had brief, secretive, tumultuous relationships with back in the day.  The conversations they had in forms of whispers and developed secret codes.  Warnings of which commanding officer was in a bad mood that day.  Heads up on overstocked items in the storage rooms that wouldn’t be missed, like bits of bread or bandages.  But in the end all of them succumbed to the brutal training under the First Order, as always.  And Finn ended up alone all over again.  After a while he gave up on finding any sort of, dare he say, love.

The First Order seemed to oppress the very concept of love, come to think of it.

But Kylo wasn’t like the rest of them.  Finn felt it.  Somehow.  On the outside he may seem like a faceless menace, a soulless threat.  But as soon as the mask was off Kylo did not know what to do with his limbs or his tongue and talked wistfully of freedom.  As if freedom itself was a fairytale he had heard once upon a time.

It made Finn’s heart ache for the both of them.

One morning, back on Starkiller Base, Finn awoke early as always to get started on his mandatory exercises.  He made his way to the workout room and began on the weights, enjoying the quiet that he could keep to himself.  It was always better when only a few other people were awake and going about their duties, and Finn didn’t have to worry about being watched as much.

For the most part, he was alone right now.  Putting all his energy on lifting the heavy weights one at a time with each arm in a squatting position to put tremendous pressure in his thigh muscles.  It wasn’t long before sweat began to drip into Finn’s eyes and soak his tank top.  But he didn’t make so much as a painful grunt of strained breath.

To him, this felt good.  The pain pounding on his body put him back in reality.

It was his only form of release nowadays…besides visiting Kylo, that is.

But as his thoughts began to drift, he lost count of the lifts.  He thought of Kylo and what they had confessed to each other the last time they saw each other.

_ “Do you ever sense things before they happen?” Kylo whispered. _

_ “Sometimes.  Only when I’m not distracted.”  Finn bit his lip. _

_ “I see…but you still get that sense?” _

_ “Well, yes.  I cheat at card games and it’s always been almost too easy.” _

_ Kylo bit his lip and tucked a lock of curly hair behind his ear. _

_ “I would cheat too,” he confessed.  “They hated it when I cheated.” _

As Finn set down the weights, his comm went off, alerting of a new update in his list of duties for the day.  He grabbed a towel and wiped his face clean of sweat.  When he read the update, he couldn’t say he was surprised.

_ Report to Training Area 2N17 at 0900 hours. _

Kylo’s personal training room.

Of course Kylo would arrange for this.  He sure knew how to pull a string or two.

Finn wasted no time finishing his exercises and eating his required nutrient bars for breakfast.  Being late was never, never an option…a lesson he learned a long time ago.  When he was ready, he suited up in his training outfit and reported to 2N17.  Once there, he found that he was not alone.  Other stormtroopers from his platoon, varying in ranks and set of skills, were standing in a long row on top of the padded mats stained with sweat and blood.

Standing on the other end of the room was Kylo Ren, armed only with a makeshift lightsaber.  He was dressed in a manner that showed off the most of his body Finn had seen since the fateful night on leave when they first talked to each other.  Finn couldn’t help but stare a little.

Captain Phasma, in full armor as always, stepped between the row of stormtroopers and Kylo, who was currently fixated on taping up his hands.

“You have all been assigned to Ren’s training regimen for the next few days.  This will relieve you of your regular daily duties until such time as you are reassigned back to them,” she stated.

Finn tried not to smile as he watched Kylo.

_ Smart move.  Assigning my whole platoon so no one will suspect he’s singling me out. _

While he waited for his turn to go up, Finn focused on Kylo and the stormtroopers he was up against.  They drew their riot control batons and formed a circle around Kylo, who didn’t move save for moving his own weapon around a bit.  The second Phasma gave the signal, they moved forward to attack.  Kylo ducked out of the first blow and stabbed the trooper in the stomach, sending him to the ground as he had to fake his death for the simulation.  As for the second and third attacks, Kylo delivered blows to them long before their batons could touch him.  He moved with nothing short of brute force.  His body seemed to be on the verge of bursting with the strength and energy inside him.

Finn stared, fascinated.  Kylo’s form of attack could best be described as a perfectly straight line.  And his enemies had better not be between Point A and Point B.

His fellow troopers winced and cringed as they watched.  In less than ten seconds, Kylo had taken the first group down without even breaking a sweat.  Finn noticed that Kylo wore odd looking wristbands that glowed light blue.  He turned to the stormtrooper waiting beside him and whispered,

“Any idea what those are for?”

“They don’t allow Ren to use the Force during training.  Some new protocol.”

“That seems sort of pointless.”  They had heard the stories of when Kylo used so-called ‘Force’ in combat.  Those could keep the hardest heart up all night.

“I think it was Supreme Leader Snoke’s orders, but I can’t be sure,” he murmured back to Finn.

_ Supreme Leader Snoke?  That’s weird.  Why would he be so interested in Kylo? _

To Finn’s surprise, Kylo suddenly tossed away the ‘lightsaber’ and stood still.  He looked bored half to death.  A dullness had crept over his eyes as if he wasn’t all in the same place.  He cracked his neck and glanced up at the ceiling, hands folded in front of him.

Phasma turned to Finn’s group of six.

“Hand to hand combat skills only.  Use your routine attack formations.”

Finn swallowed stepped forward.  So it wasn’t just First Order troopers who had to know how to fight in case they were without a weapon.  Kylo had not been exempt.  The only question was, would Kylo treat him any differently than the others, or not hold back?  Finn hoped for the latter, for both of their safety.

That meant he had to expect Kylo to give it his all when he attacked.

As Finn put on his helmet, he moved closer to Kylo.  The quick glance between them did not go past Finn.  Kylo’s eyes brightened for a second.  Then darkened again as he realized the one negative aspect of his plan—he was going to have to hurt his favorite stormtrooper.  Either that or see how well Finn could put up a fight.

This should be interesting.

But Finn had watched Kylo closely.  He had a sense of what was going to happen next, however blurry and vague.  And as the next trooper ran towards Kylo and threw a couple punches before being tossed against the mat, Finn realized something.  That same strange sense that helped him win at sabacc more times than he could count.

When it was his turn, he saw Kylo move to him, guard up, posture loose but barely holding back his power.  Rather than attacking from the front, Finn slipped to the side.  Kylo followed immediately but Finn got in a blow to his side.  In retaliation, Kylo jabbed his chin to make him dizzy as he tried taking out Finn’s legs.  But Finn knew it was coming.  He stepped back and threw a sidekick, missing but still enough to protect him.

“Not bad, FN-2187,” Phasma spoke plainly.  “Grab your weapons and start again.”

He could have sworn Kylo flashed him a small smirk.  Finn glared.

_ I knew it!  He’s losing to me on purpose.  Is this his idea of flirting?! _

Insulted by the unexpected gesture, Finn snatched his baton.  Kylo, meanwhile, lazily picked up his ‘lightsaber’ and flicked the small switch on that would produce a trivial electrocution to the victim.  Then he ran to Finn, the light in his eyes again.

Their weapons met with a loud  _ CLACK  _ that echoed throughout the room.  Then again. below their waists.  Finn clenched his teeth, realizing his cheeks were starting to burn with anger.  Kylo had no reason to go easy on him.  He underestimated Finn, then.  Thought that if he  _ really  _ gave his all, Finn would have to report to the medbay for a couple broken bones.

Kylo bit back a smirk as he blocked Finn’s next attack one-handed.  He was treating this like a game.  An pathetic cure for chronic boredom.  Then he had the nerve to fake yawn.

_ I like you, Kylo.  But you really can be an asshole. _

When Finn struck again, he wasn’t thinking.  Wasn’t even planning on what to do other than show Kylo that he wasn’t as invincible as he thought he was.

Finn didn’t plan to watch the edge of the baton sink into Kylo’s shoulder.

He froze.  His baton dropped to the floor.  It left a large, bloody gash behind.

_ Oh, no… _

Kylo made a small yelp of surprise, the impact of the blow sending him reeling backward.  Then he knelt on the mat and reached for his shoulder.  Blood leaked between his fingers.  He cast his gaze down to the floor.  His black hair covered his eyes.  Save for slightly quickened breathing, he didn’t express any sign of being in pain.

Unless embarrassment counts as pain.

Before he could stop him, Finn rushed over to him.  He began to shake

“I—I’m sorry, sir.  Here, let me look at it.”  He pulled back Kylo’s hand.  “Oh gods, I’m really sorry, sir.”

Kylo’s head snapped up and he stared at him.  His wide eyes said it all.

_ Finn, what the  _ hell _ are you doing?! _

But Finn couldn’t help it.  Seeing blood that had been spilled because of him snapped something in him.  He felt everyone’s eyes on him as he helped Kylo put pressure on the wound.

“FN-2187!  Step back from him!” Phasma snapped, ice in her tone.

“I’m fine,” Kylo whispered to him so quiet only Finn could hear him.

“Sorry…”  Finn got up.  He looked down at his hands, covered in Kylo’s blood.  Little did he know it wouldn’t be the last time.

Kylo stood up, avoiding eye contact with the others, save for Finn.  He could not stop staring as he slowly walked out of the room.  As he left for the medbay, Finn had to drown out Phasma’s stern but brief lecture at him.

“This isn’t medic training, cadet.  You don’t rush to an enemy in battle if you wound them, do you?”

“No, sir!” Finn said, automatically.

“Don’t let me catch you doing that again.”

“Yes, sir.”  He pulled away and wiped Kylo’s blood on his shorts, feeling a little sick inside as he did.

 

The next day, Finn reported back to the training room.  But today he finished exercises and breakfast extra early so he would be the first to arrive.  He wanted it to be quiet there again.  And he hoped to see Kylo, if he was fully recovered that is.

Finn saw him as soon as he opened the door.  Aside from the bandage on his shoulder, Kylo looked perfectly fine and ready for sparring again.  He was stretching on the mat, eyes cast up at the ceiling, sighing under his breath.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said simply when Finn entered.  He stood up to face the stormtrooper.

“How’s the shoulder?”  Finn took off his helmet.

“It’s fine.”  Kylo bit his lip.  “Why did you do that?” he asked in a hushed hiss.

“Do what?”

“Help me yesterday.  That’s not encouraged.  At all.  Why did you do it?”  Kylo crossed his arms.

“Because…I didn’t want to hurt you,” Finn confessed.

He might has well have spoken it in an extinct language. Kylo would have had the same reaction.  He frowned, studying Finn up and down, replaying the last statement in his head over and over.

“What?” he finally blurted out.

“I…care about you.  I felt bad about getting you hurt.”

Kylo shook his head, no less perplexed.  He ran his fingers through his hair and began taping up his hands.  When he looked back up, it was as if he couldn’t stop shaking his head, not wanting to believe what he had heard.  Or he just couldn’t understand it.

“Um, okay,” was all he could say.

Finn could feel his heart sink as he walked over to the other corner of the room.  But just as he was starting to wonder if this whole thing had been a big mistake, Kylo spoke up again.

“Thank you.  It’s just…”  Kylo sighed.

“I know.”

Their eyes met and Finn smiled softly.  Kylo didn’t.  But they both knew what the light in his eyes meant.

_ You’re not used to someone caring about you.   _ There had been no need to say it.  They knew.

* * *

For the next few weeks, Finn and his platoon continued to train with Kylo Ren.

They were able to keep their conversations and brief make out sessions a secret.Either they would arrive early or stay a little afterward for post-sparring stretching and the like.Or if one of them needed to go to the medbay for a bloody nose or black eye, the other would pay a brief visit during meal break.And when they did, conversation was light but calming.

Kylo confessed he didn’t know what to make of Finn helping him when he got hurt.And he showed it.For almost all of their sparring sessions, Kylo always ended up having some sort of injury.Sometimes just a bad bruise but another time it was a broken finger, or a cracked rib.No matter the severity, however, he always showed up the next morning ready to go at it again.

Finn had a strong sense Kylo was just doing it on purpose because he liked when Finn secretly helped him out and put ice on it when Phasma wasn’t watching.Finn didn’t mind.He liked having someone to watch out for again.Even if said person seemed to be a slut for self-destruction.

But they kept it quiet and calm.The kisses remained tender, but craving more.The touches lingered, just barely slipping underneath the clothing.And the confessions remained brief but at no need for more words.

To think they thought it would always stay that way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: some misgendering of trans Kylo in this chapter, as well as a scene with mental mind probing that might be disturbing.

Kylo rushed to the chamber as soon as he received the word from General Hux.

“Supreme Leader Snoke requests your presence.”Hux’s upper lip curled when he spoke, as he looked Kylo up and down.His hands were clasped in front of him, barely brushing the back of Kylo’s chair.Kylo could smell the fresh mint on the general’s breath.

The grandson of Anakin Skywalker wouldn’t have been sick with worry had he not just gotten back from another visit with Finn.

Biting back a small sigh, he rose from his chair and left the room without dismissing Hux.Questions raced through his mind as he donned his mask and walked through the opened doors to where Snoke’s giant hologram awaited him.Questions about where he might have slipped up, where he might have overlooked a tiny detail.He had been so careful and disciplined in the past.Especially when it came to the ways he spent what little free time he had.

But one thing he had known about Snoke for as long as he could remember was that Snoke could find anything he wanted to look for.If one word in your head sparked a flame in your chest, Snoke would fan the flames.One memory that turned your insides to steel…Snoke would capture it to keep you strong inside.That was just the way of it.

By habit, Kylo made sure that his cloak covered all of his neck and that his gloves were completely on.Force forbid he show any more bare skin than essential.His body was nothing but a broken, scarred shell…pathetic.He swallowed.Did he look less than perfect this time?Had he ever displayed less than perfect to Snoke?

When Snoke’s hologram appeared, Kylo knelt before him, eyes shut tight for an instant.

“Yes, my Master?” he asked.

Snoke’s hologram leaned forward slightly, peering down.

“I’m concerned for you.Your training…” Snoke said slowly, drawing out each word, “…has not improved.You have been slipping.”

Kylo rose and looked up at him.

“I apologize, Master.It is the pull to the light again.It has been distracting me.”

“If you were truly strong enough, you would resist it and embrace the Dark Side,” Snoke said coldly.

“By your grace, I will not be pulled back to the light.I will regain my strength.”Kylo held his breath, hoping Snoke wouldn’t sense that he had been spending lots of time with a stormtrooper.If Finn got hurt because of him, he couldn’t live with himself.Truth was, Kylo couldn’t remember how many times they had had a conversation along these lines.All the times he promised not to go back to the light.It had been this way for years…decades.

Maybe it was wrong of him to be with Finn.Finn made him feel _good_.Finn made him feel like he wasn’t alone. 

What if that had been the pull to the light all along?What if the light was tricking him into making him think happiness and fulfillment could be found in compromising like this?Reaching out and daring to touch someone else like him?

Unless Snoke had been right all along.There _was_ no one else like him.No one knew what Kylo Ren felt.And anyone who pretended that they knew exactly what it was like to be him were liars and deserved to be treated like any liar _should_ be.It wasn’t just that he didn’t need company…he was better than that.Searching for companionship and love just made him weak and vulnerable, let down his guard.No wonder the light had lied to him again.

But Kylo’s train of thought stopped dead when he heard Snoke’s next words.

“You don’t need another reminder, do you?”

That word.

“N-no…my Master.”

“I think you need to prove to me once more you can resist.”With the slightest movement of his hand, Snoke entered Kylo’s mind.The barriers had been torn down long ago.But the intrusion was agony all the same.Of course it was just the start.

Kylo bit back a small cry as the burning started.Part of him knew that none of this was real, all a mere hallucination conjured up by Snoke.But in the moment, it always felt very real.He tasted his enemies’ ashes in his mouth, felt them turn his throat dry as a desert.Flames began to peel back his fingertips, slither under his nails, up his nerves.In his head, all the screams of everyone he killed and the laugher from everyone he had let down, the lingering eyes and wandering hands.But these he could take for now.Snoke knew that.It still wasn’t finished.

Then an image he had tried to push out.The stranger’s neck he had crushed by accident because he did not understand the power in him.His tiny hands shaking as big tears flowed from his cheeks.Screams from his lungs.The words on his father’s lips when he thought Kylo couldn’t see him… ‘ _monster_. _I don’t want my daughter turning into a…’_

_Did you hear what he called you, little one?Your own father thinks you’re a…_

“Master, please.Not that one!” Kylo cried.He looked down at his hands and they had turned red.Covered in blood he had shed before he even knew how.Jedi younglings pointing and staring, _“I heard_ she _murdered someone when she was only eight.I heard she likes to pretend she’s a boy.Freak.”_ Fire melting away his skin, his hair, the stench of his own decay filling the room, eating away the horrendous body, making him scream with the pain he had deserved over and over and over.

Then Snoke released him.

Kylo gasped for air.When he saw his hands again they were back to normal.

“Do we understand each other?” Snoke purred, a smile of pleasure creeping up his sunken cheeks.

“Yes, Master.I won’t be weak again!”Kylo stood up, chest heaving.“The light is a traitor.I won’t look to it again.I swear.”

“Good.Then you’ll do away with it.”

Kylo nodded silently, his blood running cold.Icy fingers melted down his shoulders and spine.He bowed as Snoke’s hologram faded, then, pulling back his cape, he left hastily.

_Do away with it…?_

His heart sank.Snoke wanted him to leave Finn completely.

The consequences were certain.If he didn’t, Snoke would get rid of the stormtrooper.Find a means to have him arrested and put to death.Kylo wouldn’t be able to stop it.

Lose his Finn.

Maybe it would not be so bad.He’d been through worse.He needed to be strong.Snoke had to be right about this, as he always was.Snoke had been right about everything in Kylo’s life.

He repeated these things to himself under his breath and in his head while he continued about his day.He went over his mental practices during training, taking out all he had on the unfortunate platoon who had been assigned to him that day, not caring how much he hurt them because he could hardly even see them.He let them strike his body whenever they had the chance, let them gain up on him.The pain just made him more alert, more attentive.He mulled over what he had to do in order to remain his best self.The darkness had always been his companion, whereas light had betrayed him.That was the way it worked…wasn’t it?Hadn’t he been hurt the most when he tried to love, tried to forgive?And hadn’t Snoke given him approval the closer he stepped into the Dark Side?

How could it be wrong?

By the time Finn had arrived for another post-training dinner with him, Kylo had almost been convinced.The words he had to tell Finn were on the tip of his tongue.All he had to do was tell Finn to leave or the Supreme Leader would have him executed, and it would be done with.

Finn, not suspecting anything of course, smiled warmly as he walked into the room.He looked like he had been craving this all day.And he probably had.Yesterday’s get-together had been interrupted before they could even kiss.

“Hey…woah, what happened in training today?”Finn looked him over.

It wasn’t until then that Kylo realized how many hits he had taken.And how sore he was.He might even have cracked a rib.

“It was fine,” he said, blunt as a dull knife.

_Snoke is right.I can’t be with Finn anymore.He has to go away.He has to._ The words seemed so concrete in his mind, so precise and orderly.A sturdy foundation amid the mental chaos.

“Well I heard you sent a couple troopers to the medbay.They were talking about it in mess hall.You’re kind of a popular topic around the battalion.Makes me miss you even more, you know.”Finn walked up to him.His smile faded a little and he held up a gentle hand.“Hey…Kylo?”

He looked up, unaware that he had been staring off again.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?” Finn asked softly.

The question threw him off guard.

Kylo didn’t know what to say.No one had asked them that before.His mind drew a blank and his mouth went dry.

All the thoughts from before and everything he had been rehearsing since his meeting with Snoke, were suddenly snuffed out.He had already forgotten what he was going to tell Finn.All he could wonder right now was why Finn had asked him such a question, and more so, what was the right answer to it?

“I…I’m…”

Finn looked at him and it was as if he could see everything burning inside him.He gently took hold of Kylo’s hand.When Kylo didn’t make any gesture indicating it bothered him, Finn began to pull back the glove so their bare skin could touch.Kylo looked down at Finn’s fingers, how they moved so slow and careful, how the callouses and scars felt against Kylo’s knuckles.

“Are you okay?” he asked again.

He shook his head.Not the tears.Not now.

But he was falling apart, and fast.

“I don’t know.I’m not…”Kylo hid his face, shriveling with embarrassment.He felt strong arms wrap around him and hold him.He heard Finn’s calm voice telling it was okay not to be okay, and Kylo could tell him anything at all.His throat ached and no matter how much he fought them back the sobs started pouring out.And that was when Kylo came face to face with the horrible realization.

_I can’t do what Snoke wants me to.I can’t._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for fairly heavy smut in this chapter.

“What’s going on?” Finn finally asked when Kylo had stopped crying.He looked Kylo over.He was shook up.He had had no idea that such a simple question would make Kylo respond with strong emotions.It didn’t just warn him that something was wrong with his new companion, but that they were both in danger.

Kylo’s face was flushed and his lips shook as he struggled to find words.What was he trying to say?What didn’t Finn know about him?

“I don’t want you to go,” he finally blurted out.

They both stared and blinked at each other.Finn’s mind filtered through all of their previous conversations.Every talk over dinner.Every evening spent close, secrets and confessions breaking the hesitant but well meaning kisses.There weren’t even that many to go by.Nothing stuck out as strange.Not even when Kylo told him how long he had been putting on a dress and working on the streets just to get away from the First Order.Or when Kylo boasted of all his injuries during training.Those still fit what Finn would consider ‘normal’ for anyone like them…anyone in the First Order.But where was this breakdown coming from?

“What made you think I was leaving?”

“I don’t know…”Kylo froze like a blaster had been put to his head.

Finn’s heart began to ache for him.Whatever was going on with Kylo must be so bad he could not put it in words.It was eating him alive.

Slowly, so as not to startle him, Finn reached for his hand and took it gently.He frowned when he noticed traces of ash on Kylo’s fingertips and palms.Kylo didn’t look like he wanted the gesture, but he did not resist.

“Whatever it is you can tell me.I’ll keep it a secret.I promise.”

None of this was new to him.Finn had seen friend after friend over the years endure the worst the First Order had to offer.Sadistic officers.Lectures and drills intended to turn them into machines.Little if any exposure to the outside world.Isolation and repetition.Stormtroopers all broke down in their own shapes and forms as a result.Finn had broken his own way too.

“Kylo…you can tell me,” he repeated.

“It’s not a bad thing.He’s just helping me,” Kylo said suddenly, looking up at him.He pulled his hand back and clasped them in front of himself, like he was conserving his energy.

“What isn’t bad?Who’s helping you?”  
“Supreme Leader Snoke.”

“Wait…what does the Supreme Leader have to do with _you_?”

Kylo cocked his head to the side.Little did Finn know this was the first time Kylo had come face to face with such a question.

“He has _everything_ to do with me.”

He couldn’t explain it at the moment, but those words sent chills down Finn’s back.

“Sorry…I’m not following you.”

“What’s there to say about it?I wouldn’t be who I am now were it not for Snoke’s teachings.He showed me everything I need to know about the Dark Side.Helped me discover my true potential.Made me strong and fearless.”Kylo wasn’t smiling.“He is my mentor and I owe everything to him.He has the answers to everything and understands what the galaxy needs and deserves.”

“Okay, okay, I get it.”Finn wanted to shuffle away.None of this felt right to him.Call it his odd sixth sense that only came up when he did not want it to.“I still don’t understand what’s going on.If you want me to help, you need to start making some sense.”

“Snoke asked me to do something.”Kylo took a deep breath.“I’ve never disobeyed him before…”

Finn could tell that was a lie.The way Kylo’s body turned in on itself, as if preparing to be struck, gave it away.The gesture was all too familiar to the stormtrooper.

“I’m not supposed to say no.But…”

Finn sighed, the truth sinking in, however much it didn’t make sense to him.

“Did Snoke ask you to tell me to leave or something?”

Kylo tried to answer, but all that came out was a cracked sob.

“I don’t want you to go…” he mumbled.He reached for his chest, peeling off his gloves.He pulled away his clothing until his fingers touched his bare skin.His nails began to dig.In seconds red lines had crisscrossed over each other.It was as if he was trying to tear something out of himself.

“Hey, hey…don’t do that!”Finn took his hands and held them tightly.“I’m not going to leave you, okay?”

“But I can’t say no to him.”

_What has he done to you…?_

“What happens if you say no?”

It took Kylo almost a full minute to say anything.He stared at Finn’s hands, body slowly leaning into him.Finn ached to hold him, comfort him, understand what caused him so much pain.

“He’ll hurt me.Bring back all the memories,” Kylo whispered, taking a sharp breath.

“Shit…”Finn held his hands tighter.His body began to shake and he gnashed his teeth.So that was why Kylo seemed so terrified.Red formed in the corners of his vision, thinking of when he had seen Kylo intentionally harm himself in training or disassociate seemingly for no reason.“How long has this been going on?”

“Always…he’s always been there for me.”

“Your whole life?” Finn inquired, not realizing how demanding he sounded.He couldn’t help it.

“But I need him.He says so—”

“He’s wrong.You don’t need anyone who hurts you like that, okay?”Finn forced himself to calm down.“You do _not_ deserve punishment.”

Kylo shook his head.

“You don’t know me…”

“I do.I see you.”Finn cupped his cheeks so Kylo would have to look him in the eyes.“I see you, Kylo.”

Kylo’s eyes fluttered for a moment and he parted his lips.When he leaned forward, Finn returned the gesture.He kissed him softly.To his surprise, Kylo opened his mouth to deepen the kiss.

“Please don’t go…” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.I need you.”They kissed a second time, reaching around each other, arms fumbling until they were locked in an embrace.Finn kissed Kylo’s cheek and then his neck, aching to know more of him and comfort him.

When Kylo realized what Finn was nonverbally getting at, his eyes lit up and he bit his lip.

“Do you want to—?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, almost too fast.“Yeah, I'm ready.”He grabbed Finn’s cloak and began pulling him to the doorway leading to Kylo’s personal quarters.Finn followed him, his breaths quickening.Their lips met again, panting against each other, tongues colliding as they both explored each other in ways they hadn’t before.

Finn glanced behind him and saw Kylo’s bed, unmade and simple but with enough room for both of them.At the prospect of what was about to happen, Finn felt himself begin to harden.

“You’re…not a virgin, right?” Kylo asked.

“No, no…you?Oh.Never mind.”He blushed.Way to start with such a stupid question.

Kylo just smiled a bit and kissed him again, this time nibbling on Finn’s lip and running his tongue inside his mouth.Finn touched his cloak and began to pull it back until Kylo’s top was off, exposing the bruises and scars.There were so many…and knowing why they were there made Finn’s chest ache.He hardly realized he had leaned down and kissed the first bruise along Kylo’s collarbone, then another on his shoulder.In response, Kylo leaned into him and grabbed the bottom of Finn’s shirt.

His lungs swelled and he exhaled sharply.This was really happening.Finn hadn’t had sex in years and suddenly worried he might slip up.But he lifted his arms to help Kylo take off his shirt.At seeing him shirtless for the first time, Kylo bit his lip, eyes scanning Finn’s large biceps and strong pecs and abs.Not missing a beat, he grabbed Finn’s pants next and started to pull them down.

“Wait…want to lie down on the bed a bit first?” Finn whispered.

“Oh, yeah.Sure.”He moved back and sat down, spreading his legs and lending his head back to look up.Finn sat beside him and tried moving up to get his legs on either side of Kylo while they kissed again.They had trouble finding where to rest their arms and position their legs with so little space provided.Consequently Finn’s arm slipped and his elbow bumped Kylo’s hip rather roughly.

“Sorry!”He sat up and started pulling down his pants on his own, exposing his semi-erection.

“Could you…go back to kissing my bruises and scars?That was pretty nice.”

“Okay.I liked it too.”Smiling, Finn leaned down until their stomachs touched and it didn’t take him long to find another one to kiss.He closed his eyes as warmth trickled through his body, drawing him closer to Kylo.As he ran his lips and tongue over the chest scars, he gave one of Kylo’s nipples a slight kiss as well, making Kylo give a slight shudder and clench his legs together.Finn felt Kylo pulling down his own pants before reaching up to grope Finn’s ass.Finn moaned—those hands felt so good on him.Kylo certainly knew what he was doing.

Slowly and making sure he didn’t go too fast, Finn started kissing his way down Kylo’s torso, not missing a single mark on his body, until he was down to the lower stomach and hips.He lifted his eyes so they could look at each other and he noticed Kylo’s face was flushed and his chest was heaving.His fingers were exploring Finn’s lower back now, slipping just underneath his briefs until he could pull them down and feel around until he found Finn’s cock.

“You’re real soft and sweet…”Kylo bit his hand.

“Is that okay?”Finn supposed he could be more aggressive if that’s what Kylo wanted.What was Kylo into anyway?

“It’s new for me but I like it.”They kissed again.This time Finn had a much easier time getting on top of him as they wrapped their arms around each other.Kisses on the lips, cheeks, ears, and necks were scattered between small gasps and moans, warmth and a sweet scent filling the small room.Kylo wrapped his legs around Finn’s waist and suddenly nuzzled his neck and didn’t move from there.His fingers traced Finn’s back muscles and spine.

“You okay?” Finn whispered, loving how Kylo’s soft hair felt on his cheek.He had always seemed so strong and deadly in training but now, folding himself into Finn’s embrace, he felt very small.

“Mhmm.I’m ready.”

“Okay…woah, you’re really wet,” Finn gasped as he felt between Kylo’s legs.“I’ve never been with a trans guy before.”

“I’m special, then.”Kylo smirked.“Did you see my ‘dickclit’?”

“Your what?Ohhh…”Finn bit his lip, watching his own fingers explore Kylo’s soaking wet lips.His erection was growing.He held his breath, head swimming with desire and a deep hunger for more.More repositioning, bumping into each other, followed by glances into each other’s eyes with growing smiles and rising shudders, until Finn had guided himself inside Kylo.He moved his hips a little, holding his companion tight as they rocked back and forth together.

Kylo’s lips moved along the base of Finn’s neck, down to his chest.He found some of Finn’s own scars quickly and kissed them before nuzzling him again.

“A little faster?” Finn asked as he started to feel his orgasm coming on.

“Yes, please.”Kylo’s voice had descended to small whimpers.

As he rocked into Kylo harder, Finn began playing with his thick black locks of hair.Scratching the back of his head.Rubbing his ears.Listening intently to the sounds Kylo made as their climaxes drew closer.He loved the way Kylo felt just melting in his arms, completely trusting him and letting himself go, lost in the intimacy.Finn trembled and bit back a moan, total bliss taking over his body.As he began to cum, he grabbed Kylo’s chin and kissed him deeply.It wasn’t but a few moments later when Kylo let out a series of sharp whimpers indicating he had orgasmed as well.

“Oh my gods.That was…”

“Did I do okay?Was that enough?”

“What?Of course.You were really good.”Finn thought of the men who had paid for him.The ways they must have treated him like he wasn’t good enough and was only there to pleasure them.He kissed him again, hoping it would be enough to let him know it was okay.

Finn lowered him to lie down on the bed.Once Kylo’s head was on the pillow, he moved over and lay beside him, placing his hand on Kylo’s thigh and caressing him gently.Kylo grabbed his hand and locked their fingers together.

“Thank you.”Kylo rested his head on Finn’s chest.

“No, thank you.I needed this.I need you,” he whispered in reply.

They lay like that in silence for a while, Finn playing with his hair while Kylo ran his fingertips along the scars on Finn’s chest.Every now and then one of them would leave a soft kiss on the other’s body, until exhaustion began to settle in, and Finn finally pulled the covers over them.Without thinking of the consequences, he fell asleep beside his new lover, cradling Kylo in his arms as they drifted off together.

Hours later Finn awoke in the middle of the night.If he didn’t leave soon his officer would find out he wasn’t in his bunk.Hating it, Finn got up and dressed in the dark, eyes fixed on Kylo’s chest that rose and fell in a deep sleep.

Before he left, he gave Kylo a quick kiss on the cheek.Then he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

_ Two weeks later _

.

After their first night together, Finn and Kylo sought every chance to see each other while remaining discreet.  Most of the time they got some time in between training sessions and meal breaks.  Only on rare occasions could they sneak past guards and find a quiet room together for a brief while.  But when they did get to be alone, they always made the most of it.

But Kylo could sense it wasn’t getting easier to hide it.  He sensed the second glances from General Hux, from Finn’s superior officers, from the guards.  As if they detected something was off by only a couple degrees but could not figure out what.  If anyone were to start to ask questions or follow Finn around, Kylo knew what to do.  It wouldn’t take much manipulation with the Dark Side to make them look the other way, or better yet, direct their suspicions on another stormtrooper.  He could not care less if someone else took the fall for Finn.

Even despite the risks, Kylo’s spirits were higher than usual.  He had fewer nightmares or anxiety attacks.  He could make jokes.  New life seemed to be stirring up within him and whether it was from Finn or breaking the rules or both, he sure loved how it felt.

Today, to avoid suspicion, they agreed to eat their meals as they were supposed to.  Kylo dined with the other Generals on Starkiller Base, and Finn scrounged in the mess hall.

Hux, as always, tried to make small talk, and succeeded.  With the other Generals, anyway.  Kylo was too focused on holding his fork properly and counting the pauses between sips of wine.  Inevitably, his thoughts drifted to Finn as he wished they could, just once, spend an entire night sleeping together without fear of getting caught.  Waking up beside Finn, hearing him say ‘good morning,’ watching him rub the sleep out of his eyes…just imagining it made Kylo’s heart soar.  That was all he wanted.  A whole night with Finn.

Then again, who was to say Finn could not care less if they never got to have that together?  There were more than enough loathsome things about Kylo that it would not surprise him one bit.  What if Finn was relieved that he did not have to be forced to stick around too long at night?  What if…

The sound of his name being spoken jolted him out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“I asked if you agree, Kylo Ren,” Vice Admiral Resdox said.

The Force hinted that he would know better than to say No right now.

“Of course, Admiral.”  Kylo stared down at his plate.  Suddenly he had lost his appetite.  In fact, the more he thought about it, the more the very idea of food sounded repulsive.  He tried sipping more wine instead and glanced about the room, trying to keep up with the conversation.

“I agree as well,” Hux chimed in.  “The new intensive training methods for new recruits are the most effective so far.  Some of the stormtroopers take a while to be broken down and adjust to it.  But sooner or later all of them come around.  I look forward to showing the results to our Supreme Leader Snoke.”

As was law, at the mention of his name, all of them raised their wine glasses.

“All hail Supreme Leader Snoke,” they said in unison.

As Kylo lowered his glass, his comm suddenly went off, alerting him a second time.  This signal only came from the sacred hall of Starkiller where he met with Snoke via hologram.

He frowned, confused.  He had just spoken with his Master not long ago.  What could Snoke want now?

“If you will excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.  I have an urgent call elsewhere.”  He pushed away from the table and stood up, fixing his cape before he left.  Perhaps Snoke had to send him on an important mission with the Knights, or had news on the whereabouts of Luke Skywalker.  Either of those was definitely enough to summon him at once.

Looking back, he should have seen it coming all along.

Kylo walked upright, head held high, as he entered the room.  The doors opened and instead of being greeted by the large hologram, he saw a figure with a black cloak, standing seven feet tall and motionless.

He froze.  He had not met with Snoke in person for some time now.

Without realizing it, Kylo sensed a chill over the room, as if they were standing over a graveyard.  He tasted ashes in his mouth.  His breaths drew in and out slowly, like someone stood on his chest, before he stepped closer again.

“You summoned me, Master?”

_ What is he doing here in person?  How did he arrive so fast and without warning? _

“Kylo.”  Snoke’s voice was…not normal.  Not the warm, inviting tone he often used when bringing good news.  This was raw and cold.  Underneath the hood, he could see Snoke’s eyes gleaming with fury.

Kylo shivered.

“Do you bring bad news?” he dared ask, wondering what it could be.

Snoke extended his arm, exposing the maimed white flesh.  With a twitch of his fingertip, he pinned Kylo where he stood.  He could not move.  It hurt to breathe.  His eyes widened in terror.

“Did you honestly think you could hide it from me?”

_ No…oh gods, no… _

“Master.  Please don’t…”  He was forced on his knees, the impact to the floor causing agony to vibrate up his legs.  Something lurched in his stomach and he began to vomit.

“And now look at you.  Letting it  _ infect _ you.  Swell inside you.”  Snoke stepped closer to him, pressing him harder against the floor.  “How dare you go behind my back like this.  What made you believe I wouldn’t sense something was wrong?  That I wouldn’t know something had  _ poisoned _ you?”

Kylo began to shake uncontrollably.  He had not been this afraid of his Master in many years.  His vision was turning black and blue, memories seeping back of the shadows he saw when he was a child, as he cried out to parents who told him there was nothing to be afraid of.  The violent impulses as a teenager that terrified him and made him want to clean himself out with harm.  He vomited again, wanting to cry.

“It was a mistake…I didn’t mean…please, Master, it was all  _ my fault _ .”  Images flashed through his mind.  Snoke ordering Finn’s arrest.  His execution.  Slow and brutal.  Kylo being forced to watch.  Finn screaming for help with his dying breaths.

Snoke would never kill Kylo, not his favorite student and right hand man.  He would kill Finn without hesitation.

_ I have to save him. _

“And how was it ‘all your fault’?” Snoke demanded.  Then he shouted so loud it shook the room.  “ _ TELL ME!” _

“I…manipulated him through the Force.  I implanted thoughts in his head that he should be with me.  Made him believe he was infatuated with me.  I used him.”  Kylo leaned forward until his forehead touched the floor.  Maybe that lie would be enough to spare Finn of any blame.  As for Snoke’s punishments, at least Kylo knew he could take those.

“And how difficult was that?  To convince someone that you were worthy of being touched?”  Snoke clasped his hands in front of him.

Kylo couldn’t tell if Snoke had fallen for the lie, or was just playing along with it to try and prove Finn guilty.  Either way, the words hurt like a knife stabbing him in the lungs.

“I wanted to test my skills on a trooper to see if I could manipulate one to that point.  I…I did not want to tell you until I knew for sure I would be successful.”  He hated that his voice was trembling.  It made him sound much less like a man.

Snoke stepped back, chin tilted up, looking down at Kylo like he were a foreign insect.

“Can’t you sense that you have already failed me?”

“What…what do you mean, Master?”

“Don’t you know what has been growing inside you?  Your body is polluted.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand…”  But his eyes widened as it began to dawn on him.  “No…”

“You’re with child,” Snoke said coldly.  He glanced over his student’s appearance with disdain.  “I cannot express how disappointed I am in you.  You were my best student.  And now look at you.”

“But, I can’t be.  That just can’t be.”  Kylo put a hand to his stomach, fingers growing cold.

The headaches.  The vomiting.  The loss in appetite…

“I sensed it in you.  The growth forming out of you and the stormtrooper you manipulated.  You feel it too.  Don’t you?” Snoke purred.

“I feel…”  Was it true?  Was he really pregnant?  He searched through himself.  The sense of new life within him that had been there for many days now and went without explanation.  Perhaps that was why.  The rawest beginnings of an infant inside him, fathered by Finn.  It explained everything.

_ I really am with child. _

And strangely enough, the realization did not strike him with terror or dread.  It was another feeling he could not explain.  Something that made him instantly want to cover up his stomach, recoil away from Snoke, to protect whatever was growing inside him.  He did not want it to be harmed.  Did not want Snoke to touch it.

“What do I do, Master?” he asked helplessly.

“There is one thing you can do to earn your way back.”  Snoke put a hand on Kylo’s shoulder.  The touch made Kylo want to shrink away, but he held still.  “One way that we can resume your training and everything will be back as it should be.”

“Yes?  What is it?”

“We will have to remedy your present condition.”  Snoke tilted his head, and when he looked down at his student, his eyes had gone completely black.  “I can forgive you of this if you get rid of the child.”

The words stunned him.  Get rid of it?  But…what if he did not want to?  And what about Finn?

“Master?” he whispered.

“The medbay physicians will conduct an abortion for you as soon as you go there.  Do that, and we’ll forget all of this ever happened.  Do you understand?”

When he opened his mouth, no words came out.  He just knelt there, staring up at Snoke in disbelief, head swimming, not feeling his own body anymore.  It seemed like a long time before Snoke’s hand finally released him and he stepped back.

“Good.  I expect you to have the procedure conducted by this time tomorrow.  And there will be no need to contact me when it’s done.  I will sense it.”

Kylo nodded, trying to speak again.  Again, nothing happened.  He had fallen completely silent.  Maybe he had lost his voice forever.

“Now get out of my sight.  I cannot look at you.”

At those words, Kylo managed to force his body to stand and he bolted out of the room.  And he did not stop moving as he ran down the hall, even when he began to hurl again and clutched his stomach, even when he raced past the dining hall where the officers waited for him and stared at the sight of him.  The world was floating around him and walls traded for ceilings and ceilings traded for floors.  Colors mismatched as his lungs screamed for air.  Kylo ran to the mess hall which was empty at the moment.  The Force collided with itself, and Kylo did not realize his fists were clenched and ripping apart the chairs and benches closest to them, turning them in on themselves until they were shredded and gnarled, then reaching out again and shattering the lights above him.  By then the Dark Side was crying out within him, save for the slightest band of light he did not understand at the time.

Finally, and only when the whole room had been destroyed completely, Kylo tried to calm himself by reciting what he knew to be true in the moment.

_ I'm with child.  Finn’s child. _

_ Snoke wants me to get rid of it. _

_ I have to have an abortion within twenty four hours. _

And then, amidst everything screaming and ripping apart in the Force, he heard one small thought, clear as day.  It called to him like a soft brush of clean air.  He saw the band of light and for the first time in decades he did not recoil at it.  The light, at least this one, did not feel weak.  It felt comforting.

_ Find Finn. _

He knew not where the thought came from.  But he followed it anyway, desperate for Finn’s words, his touch, his presence.  Having no idea of the consequences he was walking right into.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than normal but I think it's worth it :'D
> 
> Thanks to TheAntleredPolarBear as always for being my beta reader!!

Kylo watched his grip tear into the back of the first stormtrooper he ran into, forcing the young man’s body against the wall.

“Where is FN-2187?” Kylo demanded, accidentally spitting in the man’s face, who was so terrified that he didn’t know the difference.

Unable to speak, the trooper pointed down the hall with a shaky hand.

“Be more specific!”

“Room Two-oh-eight. _Two-oh-eight_!”

Kylo released him and stormed down the hall, unaware of how his control of his surrounding was unraveling by the second.How close he was to crumbling apart.How the Dark and the Light had already begun a battle of new proportions within him, one regaining strength and rising up, the other so embedded deep in his nerves and his heart and thoughts that an extraction would be like losing his entire sense of self.Yet the Light—that smallest, little beacon of a life—refused to die within him just yet.And it was going to rip Kylo Ren in two.

Finn sat in the back of the storage room taking count of supplies, as was one of his duties.The room housed supplies and equipment for Finn’s entire battalion, and although the entry corner made it seem small, 208 had many hallways of shelves and bins.He focused on the datapad, eager to finish the job as ordered.When the door hissed open he immediately rose to attention.His eyes met Kylo’s and for a moment he smiled brightly.

“Hey there!What are you doing back…Kylo?”The smile faded.“What’s…what’s wrong?”

Seeing his lover, Kylo’s insides melted.

The world stopped spinning and turned to black, a crushing weight on Kylo’s shoulders and chest.Finn seemed so calm, so gentle, maybe even somewhat happy.He had no idea of the nightmare Kylo was about to bring into his life.Finn did not deserve this.Not any of what Kylo had given to him.This was the consequence of letting himself love another.

Instead of putting it in words, Kylo began sobbing.His legs gave out.He curled up on the floor, hiding his face, ashamed of himself for being so weak and wishing he could disappear.He tried to speak up and tell Finn the news, but only more cries came out.Unconsciously, his arms folded over his stomach.Snoke’s words echoed in his head.

_“I can forgive you of this if you get rid of the child…”_

But Finn’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him in, hushed whispers drowned out by the sobs.Trying to comfort him as best he could, Finn held him close, letting Kylo sob against him until he had soaked Finn’s shoulder.Kylo didn’t realize that Finn was already trembling too with a fear of whatever he had to wait to hear.

Eventually, somewhere between the choked tears, Kylo managed to spill the news to him.That he was carrying a baby and Finn was the father.That Snoke had found out about them.That Kylo could only win back Snoke’s favor if he had an abortion.

When he finally finished, Finn pulled away from him, body gone cold.

“Finn…?”He ached for his touch again, no matter how little he deserved it.

Finn just sat there, numb with shock.He swallowed hard before he spoke.

“It’s not right.”

“What…do you mean?”

“He can’t force you to do this.Only you can make a decision like that.”

Kylo frowned.Now his head was aching with how hard he had been crying.His whole face was puffy and red too.

“Snoke is going to kill you.He’ll take you away.”He gasped for air.

“Fuck…” Finn whispered.He was staring at Kylo’s stomach now.“So you’re really going to have a baby?”

“I can already feel something like that in the Force.It’s really happening,” Kylo managed to say.And then he realized just how lost and helpless he truly was when he asked, “What are we going to do?”

Finn took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly.His hand seemed to hesitate before he touched Kylo’s stomach, eyes still fixed on it, fingers aching with questions and fear.

“I don’t think we have much other choice.”He looked up at Kylo.“We have to get out of here.”

It didn’t register to Kylo at first.

“Get out?”

“Run away.Leave the First Order.”

The words settled like a foreign disease on Kylo’s skin, and they itched.

“No…no no no no.We’re not going to do that.”

“If we don’t, Snoke will separate us and make you go through with the abortion,” Finn said, breathless.He had begun to perspire.He was shaking.“It’s our only choice.”

“We can’t.”Kylo grabbed at his hair.“We can’t we can’t we can’t.Snoke is going to…”

Run away.Away from the rules and slaughter and structure and Snoke’s laws.Away from the only life he had ever known.Casting himself out into the emptiness of uncertainty in a galaxy that would swallow them up, betray them, attack in unpredictable ways.Away from the First Order that had always been a restriction, but it kept him safe, and it gave him a sense of what to do and how to use his powers.Here, he had authority and people gave him respect, and he could protect the parts of his body he hated all the while carrying out the orders of the Supreme Leader who reminded him of his validation.Without it, he was nothing but his own scars and weaknesses, and that thought terrified him almost as much as Snoke’s punishments.

Worse yet, if they left, would Snoke abandon him as well?Would Snoke get rid of him and replace him with another?The thought of losing Snoke’s guidance, and yes, even losing the pain and horror Snoke inflicted on him daily, made Kylo feel like he would be living without any limbs, without any sense of sight or smell or hearing.He would be less than a shell of who he was now.He would exist as but small pieces, no longer functioning, no longer a person.Empty and useless.

That, or he lost Finn and had to have the abortion.

And for the first time in a very, very long time, Kylo listened to the Light.It resided inside him as a small, innocent voice.It was unfamiliar, but it reminded him of Finn, and that was enough for him.

Lose everything, or lose Finn.

He cried again, then nodded.

“We’ll leave,” Kylo said.A small sigh escaped him.

Finn put both hands on Kylo’s stomach this time.

“Hey.Kylo, love.Look at me.”

He did, lower lip bobbing just like it did when he cried as an infant.

“We’re going to figure this out.It’s…it’s going to be okay.”

Finn wasn’t lying, said the Light so still and serene.

* * *

Overwhelmed by his growing reality, Kylo let himself numb out.  He stopped letting emotions arrive, and thoughts came and went with lethargy muddled in the fog.  It was not too often that he let the blank slate take him over, but now he needed it more than ever.  His mind refused to acknowledge the terrifying truth that they were about to walk away from the First Order.

As for Finn, the news was still taking time to sink in full.The First Order had trained him to compartmentalize and focus on the task at hand, a vital skill for surviving on the battlefield.But up until today, Finn had only used said skill in training simulations when he saw his comrades’ artificial deaths and injuries.He learned how to put the fear and piled up thoughts aside and only look at what he had to do next.

Today was the first time he was doing so without being ordered to.

Since they were in the storage room, he set to work at once.Finn knew where everything was.At least they were starting their new horror with one advantage.His mind went back to the list of survival essentials that had been drilled into him since his toddler days.Food.First aid.Communication device.Weapon.Transportation.Money.The first four would come easy since he could find them all right in this room.Finn would have to set aside the other two for later.

He grabbed a backpack and began grabbing the nearest nonperishable foods.He glanced back at Kylo who stood like a statue, staring down at his stomach, face still quite red.Finn opted out of asking Kylo to help him.

Once he had filled the backpack with enough food to last them a few weeks (if they stuck to two small meals daily), Finn filled another with basic medical supplies.Nothing to take care of a pregnant person, of course.Yet another thing to worry about later.

Pregnant… the one thing stormtroopers did not train for.For obvious reasons.Finn tried not to dwell on that word but couldn’t help it.Kylo is pregnant and I’m the one who got him pregnant.

Guilt was already seeping into the back of his mind as he grabbed the last items he could.He should have been more careful.He should have done better.Snoke had hurt Kylo already and it was his fault for giving Kylo an accidental pregnancy.

No…escape first.Escape.

Lastly, Finn grabbed a blaster pistol and tucked it on his belt.

“Okay…Kylo?We need a ship to get out of here.”

“Yes,” he said, sounding as blank as a droid with no emotional response programming.

“You have the clearance to board us on a ship.Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

When Kylo still didn’t move, Finn took out his comm for him and put it in Kylo’s hand.

“Here.Tell them you need access to a command shuttle.They shouldn't suspect something’s wrong…for a while.”

He nodded and contacted the bridge.While Kylo waited for a response, Finn paced around, sensing a panic attack already on its way.

_Oh my gods, I can’t believe this is happening._

Running away from the First Order had only existed as a fantasy for years.Finn remembered when he was young and heard the stories passed around in whispers, in the mess hall and under the cots, of stormtroopers who had broken free.Stories of the ones who found a way to escape and build a new life elsewhere, trying to find the families they were stolen from years ago.

None of Finn’s friends believed the stories, and laughed them off as make-believe.“That never happens!No one leaves the First Order.That’s just bullshit.”

But something in young Finn wanted to believe…had to believe.And he did.For all those years, he didn’t forget those stories. They gave him hope that this life wasn’t all there was for him.That there was something else out there he could grasp, just like the other troopers who escaped had managed to.

Kylo put down his comm.

“Let’s get to the hangar.Snoke will find out soon.Need to clear as much distance as we can before that.”

“Right.”Finn shut his eyes for a split second.“Okay.Here we go.I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“I can…I think.”Kylo wiped his face and put on the mask.He led the way down the hall from Room 208, took two rights and there was the hangar.Finn followed close behind with the backpacks.Every time a guard or trooper glanced at them Finn tensed up and every worst case scenario appeared in front of him.He clutched the backpacks tight, picturing how gruesome his execution would be at the hands of Supreme Leader.

He reminded himself to breathe.Lucky for him that his helmet hid the panic in his eyes.

“Follow me, FN-2187,” Kylo ordered, playing the lie well.

“Yes, sir,” Finn said by reflex.

Almost there.The command shuttle was dead ahead.Just a few more steps.Troopers brushed past them, always keeping safe distance from Kylo Ren.It fascinated Finn how well Kylo masked the breakdown he had had just minutes ago.He walked with the gait of an animal set on the hunt, each step deliberate and sending a slight tremor through the ground, a reminder of the power on the verge of bursting within him.Yet behind the mask Finn knew his eyes were still bloodshot.No one else ever would.

Two guards stood in front of the entrance to the shuttle.

“I’ve been given clearance to board along with FN-2187,” he said without emotion.

They boarded the shuttle.Finn took off his helmet and wiped his brow, noticing his hands were shaking visibly.

“Um, Kylo?I can’t fly.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Kylo mumbled, still wearing the mask as he sat in the pilot’s seat.His hands guided over the controls.“Follow my instructions quickly.”

“I can do that.”Finn sat beside him.As Kylo told him what to do, he focused as best he could.His heart pounded, making his chest ache.The walls of the shuttle seemed to close in on him, like giant arms squeezing him until every bone broke.Finn began whispering the same thing over and over to himself.The repetition was the only comfort he could find.“Just stay calm.You can do this.You’re gonna be fine.Stay calm.You can do this.Gonna be fine.”

“I am calm.”

“I was talking to myself.”Finn gasped when the shuttle lifted and began to exit the hangar.“The shield.Kylo!”

Kylo didn’t move save for flicking one control, and the shuttle slowed to a stop in front of the shield around Starkiller.Then he picked up his comm.

“Upsilon Two-Forty-Seven, requesting passage through the shield.”His words stumbled over each other awkwardly when he spoke, as if he wasn’t all here.

The stories Finn had heard years ago flooded through him, all the wishful thinking he attached to them, and he remembered when he had wondered if the troopers who escaped were ever caught, or if they actually made it.Were they all dead?Everything seemed smaller, his armor suffocating him.He wanted to rip all of it off.He wanted to scream until his heart stopped.

“Come on, come on…hurry up.They’re taking too long to respond…shit shit shit.What if they already found out what we did?What if we’re going to be turned in?”He looked to Kylo.

But Kylo remained frozen, stiff, nothing but the black emptiness where he did not have to feel or think anything.More words came out in reply, words that Finn did not fully understand.

“It’s too quiet for that.The teeth aren’t making a fuss yet.No nebula that I can see yet.”

“So basically that means Snoke hasn’t figured it out yet?”

“That’s another way to put it.Snoke trusts that I’ll return to have the abortion,” he managed to say.

“What?What do you mean?”

“He knows I would never leave by myself.”

Before Finn could ask him to clarify, the comm crackled through a reply.

“Upsilon Two-Forty-Seven, you are cleared.Shield will be lifted shortly.”

Finn let himself sigh with relief.As they watched the shield pull back, eliminating the barrier between them and the rest of the galaxy, a new sense took form within him.A dawning that for the first time in his entire life, the First Order was not all he had, and that a whole other world was out there waiting for them, however treacherous and unpredictable.The shuttle moved on, past the lines, away from Starkiller Base.Finn’s eyes widened.He had stared up at the blackness of space countless times, but only now did it seem so…vast.Endless.Calling them.

“We did it…We did it, Kylo.”He burst into a smile, heart still pounding.“I can’t believe that really worked.We’re free!”

But Kylo shook his head, holding onto his mask like it was his only way of keeping calm.

“Don’t celebrate too soon.”

It would not kick in for him until hours later when they left that sector, and the first repercussions of disobedience would begin to plague him, body and soul and mind.When he realized what he had done, it would almost break him.

The First Order was behind them and the unknown lay ahead.


	9. Chapter 9

Once they were in hyperspace, reality kicked in.

And it didn’t feel good.  It felt like a cold wave crashing down, sweeping out the ground from underneath, and wrapping around your throat.

They had not just run away from the life they always knew—for Finn that being the First Order, and for Kylo, Snoke’s perpetual influence.

They had committed  _ treason _ .  Given themselves a death sentence.

Kylo looked to Finn and Finn looked to Kylo.  Their eyes grew round.

“So…now what do we do?” Finn asked.

“Huh?”  Kylo frowned.

“I asked, what do we do?  Now that we’ve actually run away.”

“What do you mean?  This was all your idea.”

“That doesn’t mean I have this all figured out!” Finn cried.  He smacked the dashboard.  In response, Kylo leaned back, trying to appear indifferent, but his voice gave it away.

“Well, I don’t have it all figured out either!”  Kylo bared his teeth, hair falling down in his eyes.

“You’re Kylo fucking Ren, I’m just a stormtrooper.”

“What’s your point?”

“So, you know more about the outside world than I do.  You’ve seen so much of it.  Me, I’ve been behind First Order walls my entire life,” Finn said, his eyes darkening as he began to clench his fists.  He clenched his jaw.

Kylo glared at him.

“I have a fucking  _ human  _ inside me and half of that is your fault, so sorry if I’m feeling a little off right now,” he snapped.  He didn’t like what was happening to his voice.  At all.  He had  _ killed _ officers when his voice began to sound this way.  It scared him.

“Well, we have to decide something fast!  We can’t just keep traveling on forever.  We’re going to need fuel.  Eventually.  And what if they’re tracking us?”

“I don’t know!”  A lie.  Of course Kylo knew how to cover their tracks easily, but in this moment all he knew was the electricity raging through his body, making every whisper into a scream, taunting his fear of the unknown.  A heavy weight collapsed on his chest and thrust too much power in the Force than he could handle.

“That’s not an answer.  Come on, Kylo.”  Finn’s fists were shaking now, like he was trying not to blow up as well.  His skin glowed with perspiration.

“I don’t know.”

“You know what’s out there.   _ Anything  _ would be extremely helpful right—”

“I said,  _ I don’t know _ !”  Kylo watched himself, from a distance, as he stood up and grabbed his chair.  Although its legs were sealed to the floor, he ripped it out with his bare hands, the Force tingling through his fingertips.  The floor ached and groaned up as he tore it apart, until the metal finally gave way.  Finn jumped back, startled, as Kylo threw the chair across the room until it smashed into the cockpit door.  Sparks scattered all over the room and they both heard a loud crash as the chair landed on the other side.

When the chaos cleared, Kylo saw the damage he had done.  He backed away.  The fire extinguishers kicked in to clear out the leftovers from the sparks.  Kylo ran his fingers through his hair and began to pull.  Meanwhile, Finn would not stop staring, frozen on the spot.

Twenty seconds of long, aching silence passed before Finn softly cleared his throat and said,

“You know, um, I read once that you shouldn’t lift heavy objects when you’re pregnant.”

Kylo stopped pulling at his hair and met Finn’s gaze, taking a sharp breath as the guilt of his actions hit him.  He had  _ scared  _ Finn.

And Finn didn’t even hurt him back.

“Fuck…I’m sorry, Finn…I’m so sorry…”

Finn stood up, looking him over.

“I’m sorry,” Kylo said again.  “I’m just…”

“Kylo, it’s okay.  I’m sorry too.”  He took a deep breath.

Kylo could not stop staring at what he had done to the ship.  The memory of doing it had already left him.  His insides screamed for silence.

“I’m just so scared.  I don’t know what we’re going to do.  I don’t know how to do…any of this.”

“Me neither.”  Finn rubbed his eyes, hands trembling.  He grabbed Kylo’s hand and held it tight.  “But we’re in this together now.  We’ve got a chance.”

Kylo moved his other hand to his stomach, wondering how such a small thing, a simple act of his love for Finn could have led to changing his whole world.

“I guess so.”  He squeezed Finn’s hands.  “Just give me some time to calm down.  And think.  I’ll know what to do next after that.”

“Can I help?”  Finn moved a little closer to him, his heart pounding as well.  They both ached to find a peace inside the other, but all that had gone missing, if it was ever truly there. The structure and boundaries of the First Order had hidden their true natures, and now here they both were, exposed. Two lost, broken boys all alone in an endless galaxy.

“Yeah, of course.”  He pulled Finn through the broken doorway and they found a comfortable place to sit together.  Once seated Kylo put his head in Finn’s lap without thinking, eyes closed and legs bunched up.  He began to feel Finn gently pat his hair.  They both focused on breathing slow and eventuality the minutes seemed to come and go at a normal pace again.

“I’m scared too,” Finn whispered to him.  “But we’re not alone.”

* * *

Eight hours after their departure from Starkiller base, they landed on an outpost Kylo had visited from time to time during his travels.  It was out of the way of the main routes, but one of the first checkpoints off Starkiller, and located on a small planet with little traffic.  As they landed, Finn looked out the window with curiosity, allowing himself a small smile.

“Huh.  Not as glamorous as I pictured.  Very different from the Order.”

“A lot of the galaxy won’t be nice, you know.”

Finn was eager to get out of the ship as soon as they touched down on the landing platform.  He surveyed the fueling station, itching to explore some more, but not daring to let the ship out of sight.  Kylo followed behind, self conscious of his outfit. As effective as it was at concealing his skin, it could not have been more conspicuous. They both needed new clothing. Fast.

“Thought about our plan?” Finn asked.

“Yes.  We bring everything we need and then acquire a different ship to throw them off the trail,” Kylo said.  “And we can’t leave behind records of purchases either.  Also, we need new outfits.”

“You mean…we’re going to  _ steal  _ a ship?  No.  That’ll get the First Order’s attention.”

“Not if they never hear about it.”  Kylo looked around the station.  It was a dull afternoon.  A few sentients were lounging around beside their ships waiting for them to refuel, a couple others walking past to check out the vending machines and droids selling spare parts.  Down on the other side of the station were ships lined up for rent, varying from size to functionality.  A couple seemed to be large cargo ships, their pilots standing outside and chatting with each other about deliveries and such.  The sides of the ships were covered with markings and stickers advertising multiple corporations.

Finn frowned, eyes only on Kylo.

“Sorry, not following you.”

“Do you see that Bothan’s cargo ship, third from the left of us?”  Kylo gestured.  “We’ll smuggle ourselves on it.”

“And if we get caught?”

“Kill him,” he said simply.

“No.  No.  We’re  _ not  _ killing.”

It was Kylo’s turn to be confused.  His lightsaber always rested only inches from his belt.  He never even thought twice about it.

“Why not?  He doesn’t mean anything to us.  It’s the best way to keep us safe, anyway.”

“But not if it means putting others in harm’s way.  I just can’t do that.  Sorry.”

Kylo rolled his eyes with annoyance.  Maybe once Finn saw that killing isn’t hardly as bad as he thought it was, he would come around.  Otherwise this could turn out to be quite an annoyance.

“Seems like the Bothan just arrived here, so we still have several minutes while his ship refuels.”  Kylo peered down the other end of the fueling station with the small shops run by droids.  “I’ll go grab us some clothes and food.  Can you keep an eye on our ride out of here?”

“Of course.”  Finn crossed his arms and watched Kylo walk away, constantly glancing from side to side.  Time almost slowed as people came and went on their own way around Finn.  It gave him almost a thrill, just being here, his first experience among others who were not First Order, even though it was just a crummy fueling station in the middle of nowhere.   _ This  _ was the real world.  No drills, repetition, or identical outfits and voices.  In the real world, everyone was different in their own way.

Only just this small taste of it and Finn knew he was really going to like this.  He needed to see more of the galaxy.  And no doubt he would get that chance.

When Kylo returned, he carried an armload of clothes and something that looked like a sort of package of salads and other sidings.  They shoved it all in the backpack.

“They were the best I could find.  I hope they fit.”

“How did you steal without being spotted?”

“I picked up a lot of little tricks with the Force.”  Kylo smiled, almost mischievously.  “We’ll change once we get on the cargo ship.  Come on, not much time left.”

Finn stayed close behind him, paying attention to how Kylo moved.  As they approached the cargo ship from behind at a cautious pace, Kylo seemed to retreat into an animal like sort of behavior.  His eyes glowed like he was on the hunt and eyeing his prey.  His limbs cooperated with each other like he had been bred for this.  Whereas Finn had never done anything like this before and it was all he could do to stay calm and resort to mimicking Kylo.  He looked inside the ship as the rear door was still opened.  Crates and boxes were stacked in such a way that one could walk through and grab one with room to spare.  They crouched down behind a fuel pump only a short walk’s distance away.

Then Kylo slowly raised his hand and extended his palm in the direction of the Bothan, who was currently purchasing his fuel.  With his whole body frozen on the spot, Finn could feel the power Kylo had begun to channel.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiding us.”  A few moments longer, then Kylo snapped to attention.  “Okay, let’s go.”

Finn scurried to his feet and tugged on his shirt sleeves, and they began to walk towards the ship, then up the ramp.  All the while Finn did not dare breathe, terrified that at any second someone would shout at them and report them to the authorities.  But instead there was only the silence along with the low hums and groans of ships taking off and arriving at the station.  Even in broad daylight such as this, no one could spot them.

Once inside, Finn looked up at all the cargo being shipped.  He made a note to search and see if they might find something useful in here.  After a bit of walking around they found an ideal spot.  Well hidden in the back of the long rows of cargo, yet located in a manner where they could see someone enter the hold long before the two fugitives were visible.  Finn set down the backpack and leaned against the wall, sighing with relief as they heard the door latch closed.  Only a minute later and the rumble of the hyperdrive started up.

“I wonder where we’re headed.”

“I noticed one of the labels on the ship read Western Enterprises.  So he’s most likely headed to the Western Reaches.  Quite far from here.  It’ll be a long trip.”

Finn set down the backpack, pulled out his new clothes, and began to quickly undress.  Kylo did the same and they laid their old clothing on the corner before putting on their new outfits.  When they were finished they looked each other over.  Finn was now wearing a simple dark shirt with a gray jacket and baggy pants, while Kylo had a violet tank top and pants with a slimmer fit.  His brown leather jacket was assorted with many large pockets.

“Comfortable?” Kylo asked.  “I tried to make sure they were your size.”

“Yeah, I’m good.”  Finn smiled a bit.  He had civilian clothing now.  Not something manufactured by the First Order.  He could really get used to his new feeling.  “If you wanted to get some sleep...I can stay up and keep watch in case someone comes back here.”

Kylo nodded, seeming too tired from the day’s events to argue.  He curled up on top of their old clothes.  Even though he could not find a position that soothed him, it didn’t stop him from falling asleep.

Finn sat beside him and watched him, listening to the hum of the ship as they headed toward destinations unknown.  Who knew what else lay in store for them now?

 


	10. Chapter 10

Over the course of next twenty-four hours or so, Kylo and Finn developed a routine for their trip that worked for both of them.One would get some sleep while the other stayed awake to watch in case someone walked in.Then they would wake up and share some of the nonperishable foods they had brought along, and go and walk around a bit to stretch.Have some conversation or find some way to pass the time with the few items they had brought along.Then the other fell asleep while the other watched, and so on, over and over.

Eventually they both began to feel the same warmth from before passing between their bodies.Glances would linger and hands would brush.They could not last too long without touching each other much longer.Soon soft contact turned to heavy petting with the occasional brief session of making out.But with the risk of being discovered always a reality, they did not dare go beyond that, much less undress.

And with all the time in the galaxy, they began to talk.First about what it had been like for both of them in the First Order, then about scattered memories from their childhoods.Which from the outside seemed very different, yet also had striking similarities.While Kylo knew plenty about his family and heritage, Finn knew nothing, since the First Order had stolen all of it from him.But of them had been outcasts of their social groups at one time or another, and both knew how the First Order got in your head…sometimes literally.

Then, in spite of himself, Kylo found himself beginning to spill bits and pieces about Snoke.How he had always remembered having a shadow in his mind twisting words and pushing him to hurt others, even when he spent years turning all of that on himself instead.How Snoke showed him the path away from the Jedi towards his true identity.How Snoke revealed deep ugly truths that the Jedi had tried to hide from him.

But as soon as he began to talk about it, Kylo had to stop.Even mentioning Snoke in someone else’s presence felt traitorous, like Snoke would appear out of nowhere and punish him for it.Hence Kylo ended up leaving a lot of unanswered questions for Finn.

Finn, meanwhile, could tell story after story he had collected for just such a time when he could share him.He told the stories he had heard of stormtroopers who defected from the First Order and found freedom.Stories built off their controlled glimpses of the outside world, the glances and faces he saw during leave and how they made him wonder.Stories of all the stormtroopers he had trained with since childhood and the sacrifices they made for each other without thinking twice of it.And Finn remembered them all by name.

As he told the stories, his eyes wandered around the room but always back to Kylo, eyes lit up with a kindness neither of them understood.He recalled specific details he had never wanted to forget, all of which Kylo enjoyed hearing about.Hours went by quickly as Finn let himself get carried away in the little things that had made the worst moments of his childhood and adolescence bearable.

Kylo listened and realized it was no wonder that Finn had eventually left the Order.In fact, if he had known Finn back then as well as he did now, he would have predicted this all along.The Order had never been meant to contain a heart like Finn’s, not one that clung to the few remnants of goodness and beauty he had found in the galaxy.He had been born to be free.

The First Order was never meant for troopers like him.

It made Kylo’s heart ache.Both with a fondness for Finn so strong it was starting to scare him, and with a desperate wish to know, just for a moment, what it felt like to have a free heart.

Once or twice he felt compelled to interrupt Finn’s story by kissing him.

And the days slowly went by.By the time six days had gone by, both of them were starting to feel stir crazy and realizing that constantly being in a compartment intended for cargo isn’t the best way to live, even temporarily.Kylo’s pacing around the room became more daring, reaching closer to the hatch leading to the rest of the ship.His skin began to tingle.Finn’s head was starting to hurt with boredom too.

Fourteen days in and what had been a bit of an adventure had become misery.They both smelled and desperately needed a hot shower.The clothes they stole smelled too.The food was almost gone and had to be rationed out.Kylo made a habit of hitting his head against any surface he could find as an experiment to see which would hurt the most.

Finn stirred awake from another boredom induced nap and caught Kylo trying to get a black eye.

“Please stop that.Hurting yourself won’t help,” he said.

“Doesn’t matter.I need to feel something. _Anything_.”But Kylo stopped anyway.This time, he reached for his lightsaber.“I can’t take his anymore.We have to get out of here.”

“What?What are you going to do?”Finn stood up.

“Kill the pilot and take us somewhere so we can fucking land.”

He reached for his saber and an instant later Finn had grabbed his wrist, firmly but gently.

“We’re _not_ going to kill anybody.”

“But who knows how much longer we’ll be stuck here?”

“It’s not worth killing an innocent person.”

That made Kylo laugh.

“Since when is any person innocent?”

Before Finn could respond he paused and looked around the room.

“Do you feel that?I think…I think we’re landing.”

“You’re just saying that,” Kylo muttered.

“No, I mean it.”

Kylo frowned but drew his attention away from Finn and back to the ship.Of course, Finn was right.They _were_ landing.

“Good timing, huh?” Finn managed a small smile.They began to bag up their belongings.

“So after we land…we’re finding a place to stay.A motel perhaps.”Kylo looked at him.“I could ‘persuade’ them to give us a free room for the night.We’ll get some clean clothes and hot food.Then make our next move from there.”

“That’s a step.But after this, we really need to form a better plan than just hopping from one place to place.It’s not safe.And it will make it easier for the First Order to find us.”

Kylo was listening to the ship as it slowly descended and began to land.

“You’re right.I think I’m done traveling like this.It’s miserable.”

“No shit,” Finn laughed.As soon as they felt the ship stop moving they moved to a crouching position and held onto their things.“By the way, what did you mean by that?That no one is innocent?”

“It means what it means.You implied the pilot is an innocent person.But no one in this galaxy ever is.Everyone is guilty of something.”

“Huh…I guess that’s true…”They both fell silent as they heard the pilot open the cargo hold.Finn dropped his voice to a whisper.“How do we get out?”

He caught Kylo flashing a small smirk before he reached out with the Force and a consequential loud sound occurred a little ways from the ship.The pilot turned, startled, and left to examine what had happened.Immediately Kylo and Finn jumped up and made a run for it.The daylight burned their eyes and Finn almost stumbled as they left the ship.

“Where are we?”He looked around, then to Kylo.

“I don’t recognize this place, but we’ll find out soon enough.”He looked around.Ships filled the yard.The sky was tinted a deep, burning orange with scattered clouds of red and white.Ports hung suspended in the distance, ships flying around them like insects, the buildings gray and bleak and slowly decaying.The ground felt ashy and worn and the air tasted bitter.A path cluttered with creatures selling handmade crafts in small booths led to a city about a half mile’s walk away.An overhanging sign read its name which Kylo had never heard before.“I have no idea where we are…”

“That’s got to be a good thing, though,” Finn said.As he adjusted to his new surroundings, he took it all in.

“What do you mean?”Kylo frowned.

“You were Snoke’s right-hand man and did all kinds of missions for him.So if you don’t know this place, doesn’t that mean the First Order hasn’t been here yet?”

“That sounds optimistic.But we can’t depend on that.”Kylo touched his stomach lightly as they began walking toward the city.Stray animals, none reaching its head higher than their knees, darted around among the booths and shoppers.Several languages were being spoken not including Basic and it made Kylo’s head swim.

But he took Finn’s words in and let them find some sort of hope for them.Maybe they had traveled so far that the First Order would not find them here.Maybe they had been lucky that the trip lasted that long.Even so, Kylo did not dare let himself hope too much.

* * *

Within the hour, the help of a couple locals directed them to the nearest hotel on an upper level of the city.  Along the way they worked together to steal some more clothing, smuggled tight in their backpack, as well as the credit pouch of a Bothan who looked like it wouldn’t kill him to lose some spare change.  Feeling overwhelmed by the new surroundings, Finn held Kylo’s hand tight the rest of the way as they boarded the elevator crammed with well over thirty other sentients.  In response, Kylo gently squeezed his hand back and glanced at him in reassurance.

After that, Kylo pulled Finn to the nearest café and used one of the free datapads to at least get an idea of where they were.A small, isolated moon orbiting the Eriadu system, formerly a mining colony, now part of a trading route trying to recover from centuries of mass pollution.So at least that explained the bitter tasting air.

“What do you think?”Kylo turned to Finn and showed him what he had finished reading.“Should we keep moving or see if we can stay here a little while?”

Finn folded his hands under his chin and studied the information on their new location.He bit his lip in deep thought.

“Let’s try and stay.We could find a place to rent, get jobs to start earning some credits.We can’t rely on stealing forever.There are no signs I’m picking up that the First Order has been here, so it’ll be safe at least for a while.”Finn looked back at him and smiled a little.“You know, we could start a new life here.You, me and…”

Kylo put his hand over his stomach again.He had been so caught up for the past few days in simply surviving and grieving over their treason that he had given little thought to his pregnancy.Now that they were settling down for a little, he would have more time to think it over.A life spent taking care of a child was something he could not wrap his head around at all.

“Still thinking it over?” Finn asked.

“Yes.I need more time.”

“I know.”Finn grabbed his hand again.“Now I don’t know about you, but I _really_ need a shower and some hot food.What do you say?”

Kylo managed a small nod and followed Finn out of the café.He looked around the city, its buildings that had been eroding ever so slowly over the years, the strange mixture of locals and travelers and businessmen, the strange clouds over the even stranger sky, and the ashes still scattered among the concrete walks and streets.But even now it did not seem ugly to him at all.Something about a new place, far away from the First Order and especially Snoke, appeared beautiful.It seemed unscathed, untouched, its own oasis in the middle of a galaxy swept up in chaos.

This could be their new home.


	11. Chapter 11

By nightfall, they had found the cheapest motel room in the neighborhood.The accommodations included two single beds, a small table with chairs, and a holovision turned to the main galactic news channels, along with a holobook listing popular attractions and places to eat and drink in the neighborhood.Not much, but certainly more than Finn had in his entire life.

The two of them showered and changed into clean clothes, then used the stolen spare change to order takeout.While they waited for food to arrive, Finn lay on the bed and made a slight choking sound like he was about to cry.Kylo sat beside him.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.Just…I didn’t know beds could be this comfortable.This soft.”Finn grabbed the pillow and pressed it to his face.“Doesn’t even smell bad either.Are motel beds always like this?”

“These are far from the best.But yes.”Kylo lay down, remembering how Snoke had provided him with the same bed stormtroopers had, so that he would not get ‘too comfortable’ and learn how to find rest even in difficult circumstances.But he had known what royalty slept on once or twice when he got the chance.

Finn let out a long sigh, staring up at the ceiling.He did not move save for tapping his thumbs together.

“Kylo?Every time I open my eyes, I think I’m going to be back on Starkiller Base, back in the First Order.And it takes a long time to realize we’re really gone and this all isn’t some hallucination.”He stopped tapping.“Do you think that feeling will ever go away?That I’m just dreaming?”

“Doubt it.I feel the same.”Kylo did not mention that for him it was not all a hallucination.Snoke still had that grip on his mind.Any moment now he could come right back and convince Kylo of what was real and what was fake.Kylo dreaded believing that Finn was just a fantasy, another imaginary friend, because as Snoke used to say, how could he ever have a companion who wasn’t imaginary?He sighed.“Maybe someday it’ll get easier.But I promise this isn’t the First Order.We really did escape.”

“You know…they said the food wouldn’t arrive for about thirty minutes…”Finn rolled over and faced Kylo, a small smile forming.

“So?Oh…you mean…”Kylo sat up.“In the mood?”

“I’m showered, in clean clothes, and the happiest I’ve ever been.So yeah, I think I am.”Finn sat up too, looking Kylo up and down, then touching his still damp black hair.Kylo leaned into the touch, not realizing how much he had missed this side of Finn.

“Do you…want to try being on top this time?I’m kind of curious to see what that would be like,” Finn said softly.

“Yeah, I can do either or both.”Kylo bit his lip and smirked.He began to undress, eyes locked on Finn.

“You gonna keep the facial hair?”

“I don’t know.”He rubbed his mouth.Two weeks on the cargo ship meant he was not able to shave.Now the stubble was starting to show.“I used to shave only because having facial hair while wearing my helmet was extremely uncomfortable.But now that I don’t wear it anymore…why?Do I look bad with it?”  
“No.It’s kind of hot, actually.”Finn sat up on his elbows.

That made Kylo smile.He cupped Finn’s cheek and leaned down to kiss him deeply.Once they were both down to their undergarments Kylo pressed his body against Finn’s.He moaned into the kiss as the warmth passed between them, stirring up desires that had been lingering for so long now.Letting Finn’s movements dictate his, Kylo moved his mouth down Finn’s neck and bared his teeth a little, making Finn let out a small sound that Kylo _really_ liked.

He let himself get carried away with it for longer than he thought.Tasting Finn’s skin, teasing him endlessly, fingers and lips finding every sensitive spot and playing around with it.Finn lay spread out on the bed, taking it all in and soaking up the attention like he had never been touched before.He was in complete bliss and realizing Kylo knew just what to do to him to make him go wild for more.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Finn gasped.

“I guess you’ll have to leave me hanging until after dinner,” he said breathlessly.

“Seriously?”Kylo almost laughed.

“What?The food will be cold by the time you’re done at this rate.”

“Yeah, good point.”Kylo almost felt offended that Finn would rather wait on sex with him than eat cold food.But he complied and pulled on enough clothes to pick up their order anyway.Not bothering about cleanliness, they piled their plates on the bed and sat across from each other with their utensils.

As the light faded out of sight on the moon, the streets and sidewalks began to glow and laughter rang from the other rooms around them.The neighborhood had enough of a nightlife that it did not seem to sleep after dark.Even closed up and enjoying the peace inside their motel room, both Kylo and Finn felt the harmony being passed around outside.Everyone sounded so happy, so carefree.Made sense since they probably had never seen the Order here.

All these people tucked into their sweet little corner of the galaxy, having no idea of the horrors lying just out of reach.

Kylo stared at Finn, not knowing if he should laugh or cry at what he was watching.

“You are scarfing that down _really_ fast.”

Finn paused, cheeks puffed out with food.He looked embarrassed as he swallowed a couple times, then wiped his fingers on the nearest napkin.

“Sorry…I’ve just never had food like this before.Just what they gave us in mess hall.”

“You weren’t allowed to eat while on leave?”The food was hardly the best takeout Kylo had eaten.It was a knockoff of Mon Calamari seafood delights—crab creampuffs, stuffed eels, and squid, to name a few.Compared to the real thing it tasted pretty bad at least until he dunked them in hot sauce.

Finn shook his head.

“Didn’t want us being contaminated by the outside world.”

“Wow…here, have some of mine.Consider it my gift to celebrate your first ‘outside world meal.’Besides, I’m full anyway.”The last part was a lie, of course.

Finn looked like he wanted to argue but could not think of what to say, so he scarfed it down anyway.He smiled shyly and inched closer to him but Kylo looked down.

“I’m sorry.I…I’m not in the mood anymore.”

But Finn just nodded in understanding and rubbed the back of his hand.They finished the rest of their meal and cleaned up what they could.Out of curiosity, Finn turned on the holovision and turned it to a news channel.For now it was merely updates on regional celebrities’ love lives or lack thereof, but that did not stop Finn from watching with fascination.

“I guess the First Order only showed us news they wanted us to see, the way they wanted us to see it,” he said as he lay on his stomach across the bed, Kylo sitting beside him.“I'm starting to understand that.How much they didn’t want me to know about the outside world.”

Unsure how to respond, Kylo resorted to giving him a kiss on the cheek and lying down beside him.He tried to focus on the holovision but his mind was already beginning to wander into the great uncertainty of their future.In all the chaos he had not even seriously thought about the fetus, if he planned to keep it and if so, what the hell would happen to it when it was born.

But tomorrow would be another day to worry about that.They had done more than enough of their share of worrying for today.

Kylo looked back at the holovision and changed the channel once it progressed to political topics.That was the last thing he needed to see right now.

“So.Tomorrow.”Finn glanced at him.“I’m going to look for job openings in the area.Once we have money coming in we can think of a permanent place to stay.”

“Good point.You’ll have to come up with an alternative name, as will I.We’ll also need a backup story to explain how we ended up here.Better we cover our tracks, less likely we’ll be discovered.”

“I hope they’ll hire me.All I’ve got is what the First Order taught me.Some skills but who knows if they’ll get me any real job.”He sighed and looked down.

“You’ll do fine,” Kylo said, hoping the words were not empty.Truth was he had no idea how well Finn would adjust to their new life, if at all.Kylo had already accepted he would never rest, not as long as Snoke always remained inside him, but he had to hope it would not be the same for Finn.

“Any idea what work you’ll find?” Finn asked him.  
Kylo already knew what he was going to do.It was the easiest way to make money.And he figured that a planet with as many entertainment districts as this one would not pass him up.

Besides, he had missed dressing up and going out on the town.Only this time he would get paid to do what he had been doing all that time.He could feel free again, in body and mind.Let strangers use him in ways that made him forget everything else.

“No, not yet,” he answered.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M FINALLY BACK!! SO SORRY about the long wait. Life got super crazy between a full time job, moving to a new place, and a bunch of other crap. Fanfiction had to be set on a back-back-burner and it took over two months to write this shit but I'm determined NOT to leave it unfinished.
> 
> So if anyone is still reading this HERE YOU GO AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME T.T

Almost eight weeks now.

Finn did not realize it had been that long until he clocked out for the day and looked at his timesheet.He did a second glance before taking a deep breath.If they had been safe this long, that must mean the First Order would never find them here.At least he hoped that is what it meant.

He had a job working at one of the local warehouses that processed imports on the trade route.It paid decent enough to help make rent, but the hours took their toll on him by the end of the week.Everything about this life was so different from what he was used to.Before he had to ask permission for every single thing and was severely punished for any step out of line.Here, he had been given a document of his actual rights as an employee.He was allowed to eat whatever he wanted during his break.He could make friends on the job.And at the end of the day he got to go home to an apartment he shared with his lover.

Every night he lay there waiting for this dream to end, for him to wake up back in the nightmare he had always known.Always in the back of his mind, something said this was all too good to be true.Reality could not possibly be this forgiving.But somehow he managed to carry on with the day even though it all felt so fake.

Finn liked to walk the long way home, to give his mind time to clear after work and dwell on the small beautiful things he could find on this planet.Schoolchildren playing in the backyards, vendors making light chat with the locals, a strange sunset beginning.He could not even remember the last time he was able to watch the full sunset.Usually it interfered with his shifts and he only stole a glance here and there.

Thinking of Kylo, and the possible misery he was in on account of his pregnancy, Finn stopped at a corner store on the way.He found a bar of chocolate.Kylo liked chocolate.A lot.Finn was still not used to such a sweet taste.

He came home to find Kylo in the refresher hurling again.This was not unusual since Kylo tended to be sick this time of day.He had not cut his hair since they escaped the Order, and it was beginning to hang over his eyes and ears.It was also darkening around his mouth as unkempt scruff.

“Oh no, baby.”Finn, forgetting his exhaustion from work, rushed over and helped Kylo stand up.Kylo’s legs were shaking as he wiped the saliva and vomit from his mouth.

“Thanks…” Kylo muttered.

“And how was your day?” Finn asked.

“Well, I dragged myself out of bed just in time for work, drank a pot of caf, and made it up until now.Just like the last few days.” 

“Caf isn’t good for the fetus.”

“It’s good for me,” he muttered.“I’m tired all the time.It takes forever to get out of bed.And then I don’t get to see you before you leave for work…”

Finn sighed.He wanted to help Kylo out but this was on the verge of being whiny.

“I did more reading at lunch break about this stage of pregnancy.We should probably try to afford healthier food than whatever those pre-made packets are from the store downstairs.”A couple credits for a whole meal really helped the budget, but diet not so much.It did not help that both of them were used to the Order’s tasteless meals packed with all the essential nutrients fit for soldiers.

“I could work more hours.I’ll be fine.”Kylo looked at him.

“Are you sure it won’t be too hard on you?Standing at the booth like that all day?”

As far as Finn knew, Kylo had a job working at a booth downtown selling souvenirs for visitors.And the pay included commission if he sold yearly passes to the local attractions.So far Kylo had been able to keep the few bruises and sore spots out of sight from him.

“I’ll be fine, trust me.Trust me.”

“Of course I do.”Finn cupped his face and leaned in.

Kylo tried pushing him away.

“No…I just puked.My breath is horrid.”

“Then swallow a mint, stupid.”Finn dug one out from his pocket and popped it between Kylo’s lips.

“Are you carrying those on you all the time because you know I always puke?” Kylo muttered as he tossed the mint around his mouth with his tongue.

“Well you know me.I like to be prepared for anything.”He forced a smile but something in it must have been too obvious.

“What is it?Are you thinking I should have had an abortion?”

“No!I mean, no.I just…”Finn clenched his fists and looked down.The only time he had interacted with children was in a training session for how to deal with them in particular situations such as in combat.The children selected for the training were younger stormtroopers of course, role playing as civilians.Finn had never succeeded in getting along with the children.When he tried to talk to them afterwards it always came out awkward and embarrassing, and the fact that he had once been in their exact same spot made it all the worse.Now he was the father of an accidental child whose very existence was a danger.Supreme Leader Snoke himself ordered the fetus’ abortion.

How could he possibly raise a baby?Much less one who would be committing treason by taking their very first breath?

“I can’t stop worrying about this whole thing.The baby, I mean.I don’t know if we can handle it when the time comes.”

Kylo frowned at him.

“We still have a few months until I’m due.We’ll figure it out.”

“But what do we do when that happens?How can we raise it?I don’t know anything about children.”

“Me neither.”Kylo shrugged.“So we’ll learn together.”

He barely seemed responsive.Like he did not realize what they were up against.Or worse he did not even care.

“Why do you sound so passive about this?You’re the one carrying it so shouldn’t I be the one comforting you?” Finn pressed, not liking the direction his tone was going.

Kylo wiped his mouth again and looked away.His hair was a mess.He needed a shower.Something was not right with him.

“I’m just tired.Tired of thinking.”

“Well, we need to start thinking.Thinking about what we’re going to do once it’s born and how we can keep ourselves and the baby safe from the First Order.If they ever find us…”Finn could not even finish that sentence.He did not want to think about that at all.

“They won’t.We’re safe.Now you should go get some sleep.”

Finn felt Kylo’s hand on his shoulder and he flinched a bit at the unexpected touch.Was Kylo pushing him away?Had he said something wrong?What was there to be said that he had not said yet?Suppose Kylo decided he did not need help anymore and kicked Finn out; he was one of the most powerful men in the Order, after all.What if Finn was left on the streets, never allowed to see his lover or unborn child again?

No…he would not do that.Kylo would never abandon him…

“You sure?I can cook us up something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.Please, just…you need to sleep.Stop worrying about me so much.”Now it was Kylo’s turn to force a smile.“I’ll be here when you wake up and we’ll talk then.”

Finn could not argue that.He cleaned up before collapsing on the bed.As soon as his back hit the mattress he realized how exhausted he was and sleep overcame him in seconds.

* * *

 Finn had no way of knowing that while he slept, Kylo put on the cheap dress he had stashed under the bed, put on some makeup, and quietly left the apartment.  Aching with guilt, he kissed Finn on the cheek just before he walked away.  Head hanging low, he ran his fingers through his hair until they felt greasy.  He loved the nightlife atmosphere.  How you could hide in the shadows and still look at the bright lights full of color.

Here he could be invisible in his own way, or at least pretend.Getting lost in the drunk crowds and the cheerful tourists.Soaking in the smells and sights.

He found a spot behind the cantina and spread his legs, tossing his hair side to side.Found himself not caring that he had visible facial hair tonight.Ever since he found out about the pregnancy he had fewer fucks to give about his appearance.

Finn would also not know that Kylo would spend the next several hours making easy credits in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city.The only way he really knew how to make credits, or at least the only way he trusted himself to.A regular job did not seem right for him.He would never adjust to living domestically, anyway, so why try?This was all he seemed to be good for.

Just like Snoke had told him his whole life.He was never meant for ordinary things.Not because he was better than ordinary, but because he did not deserve it.He was too far in the Dark Side to enjoy what other people were allowed to enjoy.

That was why he liked being a whore and humiliating himself in public.And why he would rather keep doing this than try to be better.

He deserved every bit of it.Not like Finn.Finn deserved everything Kylo didn’t.

Two locals walked up to him with gawking faces, staring at the man with the dress and makeup.Kylo made a gesture with his hand in front of his mouth, twitching his thumb.

“Hundred credits and I’ll give you both the best blowjob you’ve ever had,” he mumbled.

They laughed and exchanged glances.Kylo pouted and gave them the best puppy dog eyes he had.Worked every time for these types of men.He didn’t even have to tap into the Dark Side as a form of further temptation.

“Fifty up front?” one asked.

“Done.”Kylo went to his knees and licked his lips.As he started kissing around the first man’s pelvis and thighs, he lost himself in the moment.For a few minutes he could just focus on pleasuring a stranger and letting it fuck him up even more.

It was like drowning when he never wanted to breathe again…

Calloused fingers grabbed the back of his head.Kylo blinked and mentally cued the tears to start flowing.Men loved when he cried.He made a slight gagging sound, heard the man’s groan, and inwardly smirked that he could get what he wanted yet again.

When it was over the rest of the credits were dropped in the lap of his dress.The pair walked off without so much as an extra tip.

Kylo looked at the mirror beside him in the hallway.Lipstick and semen were smeared all over his mouth.He had black lines of dried tears down both cheeks.Perfect.And just more proof that Finn deserved so much better than him.

Since their escape from the First Order, the Dark Side’s whispers in the back of his mind had turned to screaming.The voices needed him to go back to Snoke and accept his overdue punishment, begging that he needed to hurt someone before he ended up hurting himself.

The light growing inside him stayed silent, but persisted.Kylo had to wonder what was it about the unborn child that felt so against everything about himself.How could something so full of peace and serenity be growing from a _thing_ that only knew rage and violence and all that hatred?None of it made sense.

Too much conflict.Too much noise.The Dark Side in his head and the Light in his heart.

Too much _everything_.

_I’m sorry, Finn.I just need to forget it all._


End file.
